International Women’s Day: Include Yourself in Your Own Story

Hey, Straight Sister, I’m thinking of you on this International Women’s Day! The theme for 2024 is “Inspire Inclusion,” so I thought I’d write a post to inspire you to include yourself in your own story and recovery! You are SO totally worth it!

If you’re anything like the straight wives I work with, you’ve spent your adult years prioritising the needs of others, trying to make your marriage the best it could be, and caring for children or wishing you had children to care for. 

As a woman, you’ve probably been socialised towards caring for others and putting them first. More than this, you have quite likely learned to “fawn” your way out of trauma, such as adapting to and pleasing others to “keep the peace.” 

Unsurprisingly, a major study into gender and empathy found that “By the time they are toddlers, females appear more prosocial, recognizing and willing to help/comfort individuals in distress, and sex/gender difference in empathy continue to be consistent through adolescence and into adulthood.” It seems we may be biologically hard-wired to be high in affective empathy.

The time has come to turn that beautiful caring nature inwards and start prioritising yourself. 

Include yourself in your own story

Your marriage may have been very confusing. You sensed something was wrong but couldn’t quite put your finger on what it was, so you kept trying to improve things without success. But it was like trying to hit a ping-pong ball in the dark! Unaware of the real problem, you likely thought it had something to do with you. You may have even experienced some gaslighting comments, such as: 

You’re too fat
You’re too busy
You’re too critical
You’re too stressed
You’re too controlling
You’re too focused on the kids

You were led to believe you were too “anything” other than the real problem: your closeted gay husband wanted to be with men, or he didn’t even identify as a man.

When the truth finally came out, you were left behind to pick up the shattered pieces of your self-esteem and try to rebuild your sense of self. He may have been celebrated for finally living his truth, and you may have been left out of the story altogether.

You may feel as though all the years were erased. You’re grieving the end of a marriage and also its beginning! But you have a right to be included in your marriage and divorce story! It is okay—more than “okay”—for you to be included. You get to decide how you tell your own story. It’s your life, after all. 

Include positive self-statements in the stories you tell about yourself

A long marriage to a closeted gay man or trans partner has likely left you feeling depleted in self-worth after years of sexual neglect. Sadly, many straight wives I work with were told alarmingly awful things about their bodies by their closeted husbands. Recovery from this undeserved shaming is not easy (although it’s certainly possible). 

Even if you weren’t shamed outright, you likely internalised thoughts of being “not enough” in response to his lack of interest in you. The truth is, you could never have been enough for a closeted gay man or transgender partner, but NOT because there’s something wrong with you. 

You deserved to feel wanted and desired in your marriage.
You deserve to feel like a queen! 

Don’t let anyone else define you or tell you that you’re not worth more than what you’ve experienced in your closeted marriage!

In an ideal world, you will have people in your inner circle who love you and are helping to restore your self-worth. To top this up, you hopefully have a therapist, coach, or at least some peer support to provide a secure base in which you can heal.

Ultimately, you need to internalise new truths about yourself to replace the negative self-beliefs you likely absorbed as a result of your closeted mixed-orientation marriage. How you think of and speak about yourself matters. To get you started, here are some empowering statements you may like to include in your repertoire of self-statements. 

50 affirmations and intention statements for straight wives

1. I am stronger than I realise.
2. I am capable of rebuilding my life.
3. I am reclaiming my power and autonomy.
4. I am grateful for the lessons I am learning.
5. I am embracing my journey of self-discovery.
6. I am deserving of genuine, lasting happiness.
7. I am resilient enough to heal from this betrayal.
8. I am grateful for those who have supported me.
9. I am learning and growing from this experience.
10. I am allowing myself to progress at my own pace.
11. I am able to access support, even when I feel alone.
12. I am worthy of living a fulfilling and meaningful life.
13. I am finding beauty & joy in the small moments of life.
14. I deserve honesty and authenticity in my relationships.
15. I am worthy of all the love and happiness life has to offer.
16. I am a survivor and will thrive despite the challenges I face.
17. I am opening myself up to new possibilities & opportunities.
18. I am setting boundaries that honour my needs & well-being.
19. I am worthy of a relationship built on mutual trust and respect.
20. I am recognising the power within me to create the life I desire.
21. I refuse to let this experience dim my light or dampen my spirit.
22. I am choosing to see the beauty and potential in every new day.
23. I am capable of creating healthy, loving, authentic relationships.
24. I am letting go of the past and daring to believe in a better future.
25. I am releasing feelings of shame or guilt that are not mine to carry.
26. I am celebrating my resilience and strength in the face of adversity.
27. I am cultivating self-love & compassion as I heal from past wounds.
28. I am not responsible for the choices my closeted (ex) partner made.
29. I am worthy of love and respect, regardless of my past experiences.
30. I am deserving of genuine connections and authentic relationships.
31. I am releasing expectations of how my healing journey should look.
32. I am not defined by my closeted (ex) partner. I define my own worth.
33. I am deserving of kindness and compassion from myself and others.
34. I am worthy of respect & appreciation for all that I bring to the world.
35. I am learning to trust my intuition and will honour it moving forward.
36. I am allowing myself to feel my emotions without judgment or shame.
37. I am proud of myself for facing this challenge & refusing to be defined by it.
38. I am worthy of support & understanding as I navigate this challenging time.
39. I am gradually finding peace within myself, even amidst chaos & uncertainty.
40. I am honouring my truth and speaking it boldly, even in the face of resistance.
41. I am rewriting my story & stepping into my power as the author of my own life.
42. I am embracing my journey of self-discovery & growth with courage and grace.
43. I am not alone in my journey; there is support & understanding available to me.
44. I am letting go of comparison & embracing my unique journey and experiences.
45. I am acknowledging my worth & refusing to accept anything less than I deserve.
46. I am honouring my journey & recognising the strength it takes to move forward.
47. I am allowing myself to dream & pursue my desires with passion & determination.
48. I am releasing expectations of perfection & embracing my perfectly imperfect self.
49. I am prioritising my well-being & making self-care a non-negotiable part of my day.
50. I am embracing my authenticity & refusing to hide myself for the comfort of others.

Why not pick one statement, write it out, and keep embracing the truth of it until it’s absorbed into your soul? It would be great if you could comment below to tell us which one you’ve chosen!

If you’re a straight woman who’s discovered your partner is gay, bisexual or transgender, you’re welcome to join my free Facebook group for women. You can apply here. (Or click the button below.)