Straight Wives, Body Shame, and the Fallout of Betrayal

A Conversation with Jodie Gale on Rebuilding Self-Worth After Trauma

It was a privilege to be interviewed by trauma and mind-body eating psychotherapist Jodie Gale from Trauma Warriors, as part of her Soul Sessions podcast series. We spoke mostly about straight spouse betrayal trauma and how it affects straight wives’ body shame and sense of self.Would you like to listen? 

I thought I’d share some further thoughts with you about the topics I chatted about with Jodie in the podcast interview. You may resonate with my reflections, or perhaps your experience was different. Either way, please be gentle with yourself while you read.

Even before discovery, during the covert phase of deception, your marriage to a closeted gay man or transgender partner was almost certainly affecting you in some way. You may not have consciously noticed the impact until afterwards, but looking back, you can see how your light was slowly snuffed out. Two significant areas straight wives often struggle with are low self-worth and body shame.

Straight wives and low self-worth

One of the great sufferings of unsuspecting straight wives is the anguish of feeling unloved, undesired… perhaps even undesirable. One cause is the lack of authentic intimacy in the relationship. Not knowing why, it’s natural to assume that there must be something wrong with you. The reality is: there is nothing wrong with you at all! You are simply the “wrong gender.”

Even when women say their sex life with a closeted husband seemed “good” (before being blindsided with the truth), hidden sexuality or gender identity still diminished authentic intimacy. It’s impossible for a closeted partner to be fully present and connected if he’s hiding an intrinsic part of who he is. Unable to be fully himself, he shows up in the relationship with the part of himself he thinks is “acceptable”, compartmentalising the part he is ashamed of. This leaves you with the sense that something is missing. And it is! But you don’t know what that something is and so you’re left feeling… not enough. 

How can you ever feel enough when you’re with a man who wants to be with men, or who identifies as a woman?

Discovering the deception and betrayal shatters your identity and sense of self. You may feel a deep sense of shame at having been so “gullible” for being duped. But it’s hardly surprising that you didn’t know. The truth was cleverly hidden, and you didn’t go into the relationship searching for it. You weren’t on the lookout for evidence that your husband wasn’t straight.

Added to this, you were married to someone who was deeply ashamed of their own sexuality or gender. They were hiding inside your marriage. Unfortunately, their shame may have been projected onto you, either subtly or overtly, further eroding your self-worth.

Like a frog in boiling water, you gradually lose your spark without even realising it. As your self-worth decreases, you may think that this is the best you can hope for. You ‘get on with it’, putting up with a subpar situation that gradually feels somewhat ‘normal’. A busy life, often with children to care for, distracts you from the sense that perhaps there could be something more; something better.

Straight wives and body shame

One specific aspect of low self-worth often experienced by straight wives is body shame. Here’s why. An intimate relationship typically involves physical intimacy. When that’s less than fulfilling, or there is frequent rejection or shaming, it’s common to assume there’s something undesirable about your body. You may think: I’m not pretty enough, I’m too fat, too old, too… He may even say these things to you directly. The rejection cuts deep, and the internalised shame beliefs are embodied, then confirmed by future rejections, until the belief becomes quite set: there is something wrong with me. Maybe if I was skinnier, prettier, sexier… I would be desired. Perhaps I might even be desirable to another man someday.

I recently surveyed some straight wives who’d been married to closeted gay men or transgender partners to find out about the impact the relationship had on their body image. My key question was whether they had experienced body shame because of the relationship. I wept as I read story after story of deep despair and self-loathing for something that was not their fault.

Straight wives speak out

• “It was the final nail in the coffin. He’d made me obsess over my body and made me feel like I was never good enough and was actually disgusting.”
• “The trauma made me feel tremendous shame like no one will ever want me because, why would they? I’m gross.”
• “I feel ugly. I feel gross. Too fat, too flabby, I probably smell funny.”
• “I still consider myself undesirable and horrid. I see an ugly fat woman in the mirror.”
• “Having been rejected for years has caused a huge lack of confidence. I fear that I will be rejected by a straight man.”
• “My marriage caused permanent damage.”
• “I caught STDs from him, which is how I discovered the truth. I experienced a feeling of horror and shame. My reproductive organs were damaged and I cannot have children.”

“I felt hideous. I felt like everyone could see the rejection like a shroud. I had this thought that people would think, “She’s so disgusting even her husband won’t touch her”

• “I thought the lack of passion and frequency was because I was somehow insufficient.”
• “Being married to a gay man did awful things to my self-image. I used to have some issues around my weight but had enough attention from males that I was still semi-confident. My gay husband ruined all of my confidence.”
• “I hoped that by losing weight that it might help my marriage by making me desirable.”
• “I had normal BMI but was told I was fat and not toned enough.”
• “I couldn’t understand why he never wanted to touch me; once he even slapped my hand away when I rested it on his leg.”
• “Rereading my journals, there are so many times I was dieting to try to win his affection. Ended up gaining over 100lbs, which I have yet to take off again.”

Sexual deception and betrayal trauma have a significant impact on straight wives in closeted mixed-orientation relationships. Far too many straight wives are shamed for their bodies because their closeted gay husbands aren’t attracted to the female form and may even project disgust covertly or out loud. And wives with closeted trans husbands have a partner who is secretly wishing they had a female body and potentially objectifying or feeling jealous of their wife’s body. Even before discovery, this affects a woman’s sense of self at some level, and afterwards, looking back, it can feel like a violation. 

In our entire relationship, he only gave me one appearance-related compliment — “That skirt is so pretty” — and I floated with happiness for the rest of the evening. Now I realise that he was complimenting the skirt, not me. (A woman whose husband came out as transgender)

Rebuilding the Self

Recovering from a relationship in which you weren’t deeply loved and desired as you deserved takes time. And it’s such important work to do! You can learn to give to yourself the love you are worthy of (and to believe you’re worthy of it!). It is quite a process to heal the wounded self and restore a sense of dignity and self-respect. 

With time and healing work, low self-worth and body shame can be transformed; post-traumatic growth really is possible. The adversity, the betrayal, and the struggle can all become building blocks in the creation of a new sense of self, transformed through suffering.

The responsibility for what happened lies with the one who chose not to tell the truth. The responsibility for what happens next lies with you. 

You are worth so much more than the messages you received during your confusing relationship. Sexual deception and betrayal trauma are not the end of your story.

If you need support with your healing journey, please reach out, and make sure you sign up for my newsletter to stay in touch with what’s happening. Help is here!