Intimate Partner Betrayal

Today is the inaugural Intimate Partner Betrayal Awareness Day! It’s a movement that may be starting small, but it’s a step in the right direction! I have often thought of starting a Straight Spouse Awareness Day, but this will do for now! 🙂

Intimate partner betrayal is not typically part of casual conversation. It tends to dampen the vibe! When it comes to straight spouse intimate partner betrayal, the room becomes even more silent. We’re not supposed to talk about harm caused by an LGBTQIA+ person, but here I am, doing just that. It is time we stopped ignoring the elephant in the room. But first, let’s talk about intimate partner betrayal trauma. Then we’ll get specific about the straight spouse version! 

What is betrayal trauma?

The term “betrayal trauma” was first introduced in 1991 by psychologist Jennifer Freyd, who defined it as occurring “When people or institutions on which a person relies for protection, resources, and survival violate the trust or well-being of that person”. Originally, this applied only to children abused by caregivers, where survival is literal and dependence is total; where detecting or naming the betrayal, or withdrawing from the betrayer, may be counter-productive to survival. The theory was also applied to institutional betrayal, which refers to “wrongdoings perpetrated by an institution upon individuals dependent on that institution, including failure to prevent or respond supportively to wrongdoings by individuals (e.g. sexual assault) committed within the context of the institution”. Over time, the term has extended to include other relational contexts, such as domestic violence and intimate partner abuse. 

What is intimate partner betrayal?

Some people may say that betrayal trauma does not apply to intimate partner relationships, as you are not dependent on your partner for “survival”. It is now understood, however, that betrayal by an intimate partner can cause significant psychological trauma due to the violation of trust by a partner on whom you rely for attachment security and emotional support.  It threatens the sense of security or attachment in the relationship and shatters the partner’s sense of self-identity.

What does it say about me, that I was betrayed by the one I trusted the most? 

Let’s break down why intimate partner betrayal hurts so much:

It is intimate

Although there may not be reliance on the partner for physical survival, it should not be overlooked that the sexual bond and physical connection create a level of intimacy that can be extremely impactful if broken. Further, sexual neglect and shaming are a violation of the couple bond, affecting the partner to the core of their sense of self and safety.

It is your partner

It is not just anyone who has betrayed you. Betrayal by friends or family members, work colleagues or friends is painful, but betrayal by the one you trusted the most is deeply impactful. It is an attachment rupture that rips away your safety net. To make matters worse, it was your partner who ripped it away.

It is betrayal

When you signed up to get married or agreed to form a committed relationship, you chose someone you thought was trustworthy and reliable. They became “your person”. At the wedding altar, partners make meaningful vows to each other. They sign a legal contract. 

According to dictionary.com, to betray is:

• To be unfaithful in guarding, maintaining, or fulfilling
• To disappoint the hopes or expectations of; be disloyal to
• To deceive, misguide, or corrupt
• To seduce and desert

Let’s say that last one again! It highlights the devastation of being “set up to fail”, of being seduced only to be deserted later, after trust is built.

Intimate partner betrayal trauma is seduction and desertion

Straight spouses and intimate partner betrayal

As a straight spouse, you are well acquainted with the impacts of intimate partner betrayal. One of the identifying features of straight spouse betrayal is that you realise it was never actually the intimate relationship you thought it was. In his book, Intimate Relationships, Miller outlines 7 distinct features of intimacy in relationships:

1. Knowledge
2. Interdependence
3. Care
4. Trust
5. Responsiveness
6. Mutuality
7. Commitment

While some of these may be present in closeted mixed-orientation relationships, knowledge, trust, and mutuality are notably absent. You cannot fully know a partner who is withholding their sexuality or gender identity from you. The Gottmans talk about the importance of building love maps, but this is not possible when only one person is honest. Your transparency is met with their deception. It is a one-sided openness and “knowing”. 

You give him your intimate journal, and he gives you his business card

Nor can there be mutuality, whereby there is a commonality of feelings, wants, and purpose. In this case, one wants a cover, and the other wants what they think they already have: a committed, loving relationship. 

It’s a given that trust is shattered through the experience of betrayal trauma in an intimate relationship. Research by Das and Jain (2024) demonstrates how betrayal affects trust, which in turn impacts a person’s attachment style and self-esteem. For straight spouses, the discovery of the truth highlights the untrustworthiness of their partner, which can impair the capacity to trust others and even oneself. 

Dr. Omar Minwalla from The Institute of Sexual Health explains how intimacy is impossible when one partner is compartmentalising a secret sexual life from their partner. In the case of straight spouse trauma, true intimacy has never truly been present when the truth has been hidden from the start. 

Bringing awareness to straight spouse intimate partner betrayal

No one typically wants to talk about straight spouse trauma, but I say it’s time to shine the light on a growing problem. It is a relationship dilemma that is increasing exponentially, as more LGBTQIA+ people find the courage to come out of their closets and live authentically.

We can shine the light on straight spouse trauma without shaming the coming-out partner. If we don’t, the impact on the straight spouse increases, while the coming-out partner finds freedom. Let’s do better. Let’s change the narrative. Will you join me?

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You can also follow me on Facebook or Instagram. Today would be a great day to share some posts, either publicly or privately, depending on your situation.