Identity Betrayal and the ‘Uncanny Valley’ Effect

Was it ‘love at first sight’ when you met your partner for the first time? Or perhaps it was more of a slow-burn effect. Either way, something about them was obviously appealing enough that you wanted to know them more. As the relationship developed and you met their friends and family, you naturally thought you were really getting to know them now. Confident of the growing love between you, you chose to take things up a notch, establishing a committed, long-term relationship. You may have got married. Things possibly went well for a while. Over time, however, you possibly began to get an unnerving feeling that your partner wasn’t who you thought they were. You’ve entered Uncanny Valley. In the case of a human partner, you’re experiencing betrayal trauma. You found yourself wondering, what is real?

What is the ‘Uncanny Valley’ Effect?

Have you heard the term ‘Uncanny Valley‘ before? It’s an English translation of a concept initially described by a Japanese roboticist, Masahiro Miro, in 1970. He discovered that people tend to feel uneasy or unsettled if a robot or computer-generated character appears to be almost, but not exactly, like a human being. Initially, the person feels warm and positive about the human-like robot, but only up to a point. The more lifelike the robot seems, the more it tends to trigger feelings of unease and even revulsion.

Have you seen the TV series, ‘Westworld‘? It got a little too weird for me by season 3, but I still remember the eery feeling of the human-like robots and the disquieting feeling of realising they weren’t actually human, and yet they appeared to be so. The humans entering Westworld knew they were entering a simulation with human-like androids. In the case of identity betrayal, the other person is unaware.

What is Identity Betrayal?

I found myself instantly thinking of some parallels with straight spouses. I may be stretching things a bit, but bear with me! 😉 You will recall the sense of warmth and openness you felt towards your partner, and then, in many cases, a growing sense of unease and unsettledness as things didn’t seem ‘quite right’. Something felt ‘off’. Then came the discovery that your partner isn’t quite the person you thought they were. Close enough to pass as a straight person for a while but not close enough to last the distance and keep up the subterfuge until the end.

Many closeted partners eventually admit that they had hoped to ‘take their secret to the grave’. The reasons why this doesn’t happen are mixed. Sometimes, it’s because you discovered their secret. Other times it’s because they fall in love and want more than an illicit affair with a same-sex partner. In some cases, an existential mid-life crisis leaves them unwilling to spend their latter years pretending to be straight.

While there are clearly significant differences between Uncanny Valley and Identity Betrayal, there are also some similarities.

Similarities between Uncanny Valley and Identity Betrayal

In both cases, the emotional response may be somewhat similar. You feel a sense of unease and discomfort. You have a sense that something isn’t quite right. It’s unnerving. You feel confused and question your perception of what’s real.

Both the uncanny valley effect and identity betrayal may result in you re-evaluating your understanding and interpretation of the other ‘person’.

The illusion doesn’t match the reality.

Differences between Uncanny Valley and Identity Betrayal

In one case, we have a robot, and in the other, we have a human. They’re clearly two different identities. Aren’t they?

With uncanny valley, the discomfort and eeriness are caused by the close resemblance of human and robot. The aesthetic and behavioural similarities are unnerving because there is an innate knowing that we are actually supposed to be different. (If you’ve ever watched an episode of Black Mirror, you’ll understand something of the fears around artificial intelligence becoming all-powerful!)

With identity betrayal, the discomfort is caused by the appearance of ‘straightness’ when the partner is, in fact, queer (I use that word with no judgment – I don’t have a problem with queerness, just with deception). You realise you’ve been ‘duped’ by the false self of the ‘straight’ partner covering the true identity of the closeted lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender partner.

The uncanny valley effect is innocuous – unless they actually DO take over the world because we stop noticing the differences 😉

Identity betrayal is intentional – the person is pretending to be something that they’re not and hoping you don’t notice.

When you realise your partner isn’t quite who you thought they were

Realising that the person you’re with isn’t as they first seemed is very upsetting, to say the least. The person you thought you knew so well was withholding a major part of their identity, their orientation, their attraction. You likely feel duped, tricked, coerced and betrayed.

[In some rare cases, the other partner may have been unaware of their true self. The identity integration process may be delayed for some people, particularly if there has been religious or familial shaming of LGBT issues. Or, their self-identity may have been fractured and poorly developed if they’ve experienced developmental trauma. A strong sense of shame may have caused the sexuality or gender identity to be so deeply repressed that the person almost began to believe it wasn’t there. They thought they could keep it pushed away, split off. But they couldn’t. The incongruence between the split-off part and the true self eventually comes to the forefront. When honesty happens simultaneously with growing awareness, there may be less of a sense of betrayal in the straight partner. Although this may not fall under the heading of intentional ‘identity betrayal’, it can still be experienced as betrayal trauma by the straight spouse]

In most cases, you’ve probably been unaware of the truth behind the facade. And you understandably feel betrayed.

The Uncanny Valley effect is the feeling you had before discovery when you were becoming unsettled and developing a sense that something was off. It can also be felt retrospectively, after discovery, as you reflect on the identity betrayal you were previously unaware of. It’s unnerving to realise you were with someone and didn’t realise the full truth of who they were.

Getting back to what’s real

Now that you know, you know! Part of healing from identity betrayal is developing a true understanding of your partner, but this may not always be possible. They may still be hiding some of their truth, they may be reticent to inform you of the truth, or they may even be completely unwilling to acknowledge it to you or others. When someone has been closeted for a significant length of time, it can take time for them to step into a more authentic sense of self.

Although you can’t control how authentic your partner chooses to be, you do have control over some aspects of your situation. For instance, you can work on your own identity now that ‘wife of a straight husband’ or ‘husband of a straight wife’ is off the table. Who are you outside of this confusing relationship? What sort of relationship is possible now?

You might like to ask yourself some of these questions:

• What do you know?
• How do you feel?
• What do you need?
• What do you want?
• What is possible?
• Who can support you?
• What helps you feel safer?
• What helps you feel grounded?

The uncanny valley effect is a sign of your intuition

Let’s take a moment to acknowledge your capacity to notice that something was off. You may not have known exactly what it was, and you may have tried to fix the hole in the sinking ship. Still, by reaching that state of the ‘uncanny valley effect’, it demonstrates that you were able to differentiate between a genuine, authentic, loving relationship and something that wasn’t quite that.

And for those of you who were 100% blindsided by the truth, I’ll write more about this in a future post. Your high level of trust and ‘believing the best’ wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. (But it can be a bad thing in the hands of someone who takes advantage of it.) The responsibility to tell the truth lies with the person who knows the truth.