This week, Grand Designs Transformations Australia featured an unconventional family household: a woman, her gay ex-husband, and his new husband, all living together in the former family home. Closeted mixed-orientation relationships don’t always have a “happy ending” like this one, yet it’s the only type most people want to read about. And it’s certainly the only story the media wants to tell. It makes sense, in a way.
The media LOVES stories like these!
The public loves stories like these
The LGBT community & allies love stories like these
Closeted partners love stories like these
Straight spouses looking for hope, love stories like these
Here is a snippet from Season 1, Episode 2.
This trio may indeed have the idyllic, happy family dynamic alluded to in the show, and if so – wonderful! There are a few pieces of the story missing, such as the absence of any mention of the 3 adult children and only a very brief mention of Anni’s heartbreak when Mike told her he was gay after 21 years of marriage. The rest of the show was about how loving and close the 3 of them are now, living together in what was previously the wife’s home. The whole renovation was focused on the gay couple’s ensuite in the shared house and on the gay couple’s wedding (held in the family home).
Anni says that what “makes it work” is trust, care, love, and friendship. It’s difficult to see how trust was a factor when there were 21 years of marriage before Mike came out to her, although trust can be rebuilt, and repair is possible. It’s not my place to question or critique the relationship based on a brief, edited TV show, although I did find myself wondering what was in it for Anni and if she ever wanted a new partner. I truly hope the arrangement is working as well for Anni as it seems to be for her gay ex-husband and his new husband.
When the outcome is not as happy as this one seems
Positive, palatable-to-the-public stories like Anni’s are not the norm in closeted mixed-orientation relationships, nor the focus of my work.
There are no rules for how straight spouses should make sense of their situation or learn to live with it. In some cases, amicable relationships and even living together under one roof are possible, even if there is initially significant heartbreak. I’ll write more in another post about the situations where this type of outcome is most feasible.
Sadly, there are many, many straight spouses whose relationship doesn’t have an apparent fairytale ending like this one. Stories where straight spouses are used (and often abused), betrayed, and abandoned. Straight men and women whose lives are stolen by closeted partners who use them as a cover without asking permission. The struggle is real!
Closeted mixed-orientation relationships don’t always have a happy ending, so when the media consistently write stories with only ‘happy outcomes’, and the public laps them up gleefully, straight spouses may feel:
- Diminished
- Disenfranchised
- Overlooked
- Minimised
- Unseen
- Unheard
- Gaslit
If there is genuine empathy for the straight spouse, and his or her pain isn’t overlooked or diminished, amicability and a ‘happy outcome’ may be possible. The clients who walk through my virtual door for online therapy or coaching aren’t blessed with such an experience. It’s a pity that the media doesn’t want to tell the less positive stories, but if they won’t, I will! (I’m collecting straight spouse stories to share anonymously for you on this website and my social pages – if you’d like to submit your story or a brief quote, get in touch! I’d love to hear from you and help you have a voice.)
Create your own happy ending
Your outcome may not be like Anni’s, but this doesn’t mean happiness is out of reach – eventually. In my private counselling and coaching practice in Melbourne, Australia, and online, my focus is on straight spouses struggling with betrayal trauma; that is, the traumatising impact of the closeted partner keeping the truth of their sexuality or gender identity hidden. If you’ve found yourself in a closeted mixed-orientation relationship, having discovered that your husband or wife used you as a cover to avoid coming out, you don’t have to struggle alone. Even if you were initially aware of your partner’s orientation, and you agreed to enter the relationship, giving your ‘best years’ to the marriage, your gay partner may have later betrayed your trust or treated you badly. Whether there has been infidelity or not, identity betrayal can be deeply traumatising in an intimate partner relationship. The person you thought you knew the best and loved you the most is the one who betrayed you. You deserve to get help.
No matter what your partner’s reasons were for the marriage and how they treated you, your experience is valid. And you can move beyond it, learning to live with what happened without letting it define you.
I don’t have availability for new clients at the moment, but if you’d like to be notified when new appointments are available, you’re welcome to fill out the waitlist form here ~ Karen.
Thanks Karen
Keep getting our msg out. Just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they aren’t abusive or commit domestic violence….
Need to edit sorry – it should say it doesn’t mean they don’t commit domestic violence – I’m sure Karen has stats
Yes, you raise an important point. Being gay doesn’t mean they can’t cause significant harm. A person’s sexuality doesn’t absolve them of the consequences of wrongdoing. ~ Karen
I admire mixed orientation couples who can make an ongoing relationship work. There are a many different factors though. Was there open communication along the journey? How was the news delivered? Were you given a chance to have a voice and be listened to? If you were in an unknown closet were you given any consideration for how to come out of it?
My happily ever after was doomed from the start. A decision that never should have been made for me. I asked for his story, had to hear it from the kids and tv. Our relationship is almost non existent. I don’t feel the need to attempt a relationship with someone who can discard me so easily after using me for his white picket fence with 4 children. Then verbally abuse me and blame me for our marriage breakdown. He is oblivious to what the children and I have been through. Calls me a victim when I’m actually a survivor. I have a lot in my life to be grateful for, I know myself so much better and am stronger than I’ve ever been. If I can do anything to prevent other straight spouses from going through this I would.
“A decision that never should have been made for me” – that’s it in a nutshell. And you’re right – if there is open communication along the way, and compassionate empathy for the impact on the straight partner and any children, amicability is more possible. ~ Karen