The “holidays” are upon us! Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, Yule, Kwanzaa, or simply the fact that you get days off work, it’s a time of year that’s supposedly filled with joy, peace, togetherness, and family… yet this is definitely not always the case! The “holiday blues” are a struggle for many, and relationship problems make everything worse. Straight spouse gaslighting in the holidays is particularly difficult to deal with and can be more prevalent than usual.
If you’re a straight spouse experiencing betrayal trauma, you’re almost certainly familiar with gaslighting, whereby your partner denies and invalidates your reality, leaving you feeling confused and bewildered. So many straight spouses I work with have experienced gaslighting in their relationship with a closeted partner. I did, too! Here’s an example.
We’ll call her Mara.
She thought she knew him so well. They’d been childhood sweethearts, and it surprised no one when they got engaged and later married. Over time, some things began to seem a little odd, but whenever she raised concerns, he would reassure her she was mistaken. Then he’d go the extra mile to show just how “off the mark” she was. Mara began to question her interpretation of events. Was she going crazy? Even when she found illicit gay porn on his computer, he denied that it meant anything and told her she was over-reacting. “All straight men look at gay porn! Why are you so uptight?” However, the unsettling feeling never quite went away, despite his insistence that she was misunderstanding things or being paranoid.
Eventually, he admitted that he sometimes questioned his sexuality, but when she later raised the topic, he denied having ever said it! Had she made it up? The holidays were particularly confusing, especially when he presented in public as the perfect doting husband, leaving her more confused than ever. People told her how lucky she was to have such an amazing husband, and the kids thought he was “the best dad ever”. Meanwhile, Mara was grappling with the gnawing gut feeling that her husband was cheating on her with men and had lied to her since before their wedding day. Everyone else was celebrating while Mara was stewing and stressing. He ended up looking like Mr Awesome, while she came across as Mrs Grouch.
Can you relate? Your story may be different, but if you’re experiencing gaslighting, reality as you know it is REAL. I invite you to join me as we unwrap deception, identifying 10 ways gaslighting sneaks into your holidays. Awareness of these scenarios will empower you with increased clarity and groundedness. First, let’s consider why gaslighting is so prevalent in the holidays, and then we’ll unpack what it can look like. Finally, there’s an exciting opportunity for Melbourne-based straight spouses!
5 reasons why gaslighting is prevalent in the holidays
- Holidays and traditions are like peanut butter and jelly (or butter and Vegemite if you’re an Australian like me!). Your partner may “get away with” deceptive behaviour while you’re focused on trying to maintain family traditions
- We spend more time together, often with extended family, providing increased opportunities for gaslighting tactics
- The holidays are a time of nostalgia and sentimentality. Your gaslighting partner may assume you’ll be less likely to notice or confront sneaky behaviour, as you may be focused on maintaining the sentiment of the season
- The social setting of the holidays makes it more difficult to confront negative behaviours openly, as there may be a desire for harmony and peace. No one wants to be fodder for the next holiday disaster movie!
- The increased pressure to “keep up appearances” and provide a great holiday experience can increase behaviours while providing more cover for those behaviours to be “hidden”
The combination of these factors can make it especially tricky for you as a straight spouse to identify and address the ways your closeted partner may be gaslighting you during the holiday season.
It’s helpful to be aware of what gaslighting can look like, particularly at this time of year.
10 ways gaslighting sneaks into your holidays
- Gaslighting gifts. Your partner may shower you or the children with extravagant gifts in front of others. This creates the appearance of a loving relationship while you question your doubts and underlying concerns. Gift-giving grandiosity has the semblance of generosity with an undertone of: “How can you possibly think I’m a bad person when I give you (or the children) a gift like this!?”
- False displays of affection. During family gatherings, your closeted partner might overcompensate with affectionate gestures, in stark contrast to the lack of affection behind closed doors. It’s like living with Jekyll and Hyde! Public displays of affection make them look like a wonderful partner, leaving everyone else convinced and you confused. You may go along with the affectionate gestures, thinking it may seem “mean” to reject your partner publicly, leaving you feeling inauthentic. It can also be quite traumatic to put up with physical affection that doesn’t sit right, as it doesn’t match your usual experience. Others may see your partner as affectionate and you as cold/withdrawn. Meanwhile, you doubt your suspicions, thinking you must be “over-reacting” or imagining things and perhaps you’re the problem after all.
- Selective amnesia & rewriting history. Your closeted partner may conveniently “forget” an agreement or promise about holiday plans or gift limits for children, causing you to question the details or existence of the agreement. They may deny past events or conversations or completely alter details, causing you to doubt your memory.
- Undermining confidence. During the stressful holiday season, criticism may be more frequent and intense, eroding your self-esteem. Perhaps negative comments are made about your femininity, masculinity, or sexuality, causing you to question your own orientation or identity or feel a deep sense of toxic shame. (This is usually a projection of your partner’s own insecurities, but if you’re unaware of the truth, it’s easy to take the belittling comments personally.)
- Shifting blame. Relationship difficulties are often exacerbated in the holidays due to the “pressure cooker” environment of the season. Your closeted partner may blame you for the relationship distress, leaving you feeling unfairly responsible for situations you’re not accountable for. The closeting and secrecy are beyond your control and probably outside your awareness. Another example: If you react at all to any of the inconsistencies and confusion or challenge them about abusive behaviour, they may blame you for “ruining the holiday gathering”, saying that your upset is the cause of the drama.
- Manipulative, misdirected guilt. Confronting your partner about inconsistencies in their behaviour at holiday gatherings may cause them to flip the script, accusing you of being overly suspicious, causing unnecessary drama, or ruining the holiday spirit. You may feel guilty for raising (or even having) doubts, but in a healthy relationship, it’s okay to voice doubts and seek reassurance. The guilt belongs to your partner but is carried by you as shame.
- Minimisation of your concerns. Your closeted partner might subtly imply (or overtly state) that your concerns about the relationship are due to holiday stress or your emotionality and condescendingly convince you to take a rest or “calm down”. You may end up feeling like you’re “too much” and that you’re ruining the holidays by “over-reacting”.
- Deny, deny, deny. If you call your partner out on anything at all or remind them of a confession they may have made about same-sex attraction or gender confusion, they may flatly deny it and blame you for making up lies.
- DARVO. Taking the denial a step further, your partner may enact the classic gaslighting tactic of DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender). If you challenge them about anything at all, they will completely deny having said or done that thing, attack/blame you, and then flip the victim/offender script so that they somehow end up being the “injured party”. In many instances, you will feel sorry for them and guilty for having “attacked” them.
- Exclusion Tactics. Your closeted partner may subtly exclude you from intimate conversations or moments during family gatherings, then later insist that it was in your imagination or that you’re being overly sensitive about holiday interactions. You doubt your perceptions and feel isolated within your own family setting.
As you can see, straight spouse gaslighting can be particularly challenging during the holidays due to the added pressure of social gatherings, family interactions, and the desire to maintain the facade of a happy relationship, especially if there are children involved. If you feel upset about any of the situations discussed above, your partner may dismiss your emotions and make you question their validity or if they warrant your concern at all. And thus, the gaslighting merry-go-round continues.
What to do about straight spouse gaslighting in the holidays?
Helpful strategies include:
- Setting boundaries
- Seeking support from people you trust
- Writing down what you know and what happens
- Making your own mental health and wellbeing a priority
- And working on self-regulating your emotional state.
Although you may feel pressure to “keep up appearances” during holiday gatherings and to give your children (if you have any) a stable, happy holiday, it’s essential not to lose yourself in the process. By noticing and attending to your inner turmoil and engaging in self-care and grounding practices, you can navigate the holidays without succumbing to the “crazy-making” side effect of gaslighting. Some more ideas here.
Gaslight The Play is currently touring Australia
A reimagined version of the original 1938 Gaslight play is touring Australia in 2024. Will you be seeing it? I intend to release some material to help straight spouses like you deconstruct and recover from the gaslighting you’ve experienced in your relationship. Subscribe to my email list to make sure you hear about it!
I really need to find support here in the USA I’m in Northern California. I separated and my kids want nothing to do with me and my grown kids think their dad walks on water. I have always known my husband is bi but after 12 years of marriage he started pushing me away. Gaslighting everything you wrote is spot on here. I need to share this article with my therapist. He isolated me from my support system. Is that part of this as well? I’m 100% dependent on him and we were married 41 years. I have no one and he says he’s suicidal so I try to remain friends because I care about him but the games have destroyed my family.
Unfortunately, the kids do sometimes ‘side with’ the coming-out parent, which is so painful on top of the spousal betrayal. This is often because the betrayed parent is so traumatised and grief-stricken that they may become less ‘enjoyable’ to spend time with (LGBT allyship can be a factor here, too). This is another reason why it’s so important for us to heal. In answer to your question, gaslighting can be a factor in isolation of a partner, depending on the situation, but it can be a form of psychological abuse either way. (As can claims of suicidality which may or may not be accurate, but can be manipulative either way – often covertly). I’m glad you have a therapist, as it sounds like there are some complex issues going on.