Dear straight spouse, do you sometimes feel like you’re going crazy? You may have stumbled upon something confusing, that causes you to wonder if your husband is gay or your wife is lesbian. You’re quite certain until you confront your partner with your discovery and they completely deny it. The denial may be so convincing that you’re left thinking you must have got it wrong. Unfortunately, gaslighting of straight spouses frequently occurs in mixed-orientation relationships.
The term gaslighting has been around for a while, although it’s become particularly popular recently. In fact, it’s so popular that it was Merriam-Webster’s Word of the Year in 2022! The term originated with a 1938 play and 1944 movie called Gaslight – a psychological thriller about a “charming” husband who slowly manipulates circumstances around his wife, Paula until she believes she is insane. His purpose is to discredit and isolate her so he can successfully steal the fortunes in the attic of the home they share. As his crazy-making behaviour escalates, his wife becomes ever more hysterical and eventually breaks down.
The interesting twist in this movie that many straight spouses will relate to is this: the husband is not who he said he was, and his marriage to her was part of an elaborate scheme to deceive her. The good news is that the truth is uncovered with a little help, and Paula regains confidence in her sanity.
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is psychologically manipulative and emotionally abusive in which the perpetrator misleads the victim to such an extent that they may question their perception of reality. Gaslighting may involve questioning someone’s memory of events, pretending not to understand what is said, trivialising the other person’s concerns, denying something that happened, blaming someone else, or diverting attention away from the discussion.
Signs of gaslighting include the following:
- Being told you’re too sensitive or over-reacting after raising concerns
- Feeling certain of something until you have a conversation about it
- Questioning what you previously thought was true
- Feeling like you’re to blame when you were initially certain your partner had done something
- Second-guessing your recollection of events
- Feeling confused and uncertain when you were previously confident
- Questioning your own judgment
- Your perception of reality becomes distorted
Unfortunately, with the increasing use of the term gaslighting in popular culture, the true impact of this form of psychological manipulation is often minimised. In his book, The Gaslight Effect, Robert Stern defines gaslighting as “the act of undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings.” This aptly describes the often toxic environment of many closeted mixed-orientation marriages.
Like many straight spouses, you’ve likely experienced gaslighting in your relationship. In fact, the relationship itself is in some ways, a form of gaslighting. It’s a manipulation of reality as you know it to be. It’s an undermining of the facts of the relationship as you understand them. And your confused feelings about lack of desire are often deflected back to you as being your fault for being too fat, not “sexy” enough, or too demanding. You may also have been told that you’re over-reacting or making it up.
Gaslighting in closeted mixed-orientation relationships
When a closeted lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender person feels unable to live openly and marries a straight partner, their efforts to keep the truth hidden can become more onerous over time. The deeper the enmeshment in the subterfuge, the more is at stake if the truth comes out. If they aren’t yet ready to “come out of the closet,” they may double down on their efforts to keep the truth hidden. This is typically a coping strategy to manage their shame and guilt, as it’s painful for them to acknowledge the truth. What may have begun as little “white lies” soon becomes insidious and harmful.
As the straight spouse in the relationship, you may begin to notice things that don’t quite add up and so you ask questions or raise your concerns. This may lead your closeted partner into a sticky situation whereby they must work harder to continue denying the truth – or finally come clean. You, the straight partner, may feel “gaslit” when your questioning is discredited and you’re made to think you’re making it up or overreacting. There are typically four phases to the experience of gaslighting for straight spouses, and those phases, unfortunately, tend to cycle on repeat.
4 phases of gaslighting experienced by straight spouses
1. Gut sense
You have a gut sense that something isn’t right, doesn’t add up, or doesn’t make sense. Perhaps you’ve found something explicit such as gay porn or some confusing text messages, or you may have discovered paraphernalia lying around that you haven’t seen previously. Questioning whether things are as they seem feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar. You went into the marriage as your true self and hadn’t expected that it was any different for your husband or wife. Why would you? You may feel disloyal for entertaining these questions, yet the unsettled feelings just won’t quieten down. You summons all your courage and go to your partner to check on the red (or pinkish) flags you’ve noticed.
2. Questioning
You feel awkward, but somehow find the courage to ask your partner a direct or indirect question. You may present the evidence you’ve found that suggests (or clearly indicates!) that your husband or wife may not be straight. Your question may be overt: “Are you gay?” “Are you a cross-dresser or transgender?” Perhaps it’s a less direct question, but either way, it’s met with denial.
3. Denying
Your partner vehemently denies what you’re suggesting. “No, no, no, no, NO!” they say. “I’m definitely not gay. I’m not even bi. And I’m certainly not questioning my gender. How dare you suggest that I am! What’s wrong with you?” The strength of the denial indicates that there is subterfuge going on, but at the time, you’re more likely to try to quieten down your previous concerns. You take them at their word, or at least try to.
4. Doubting
And so self-doubt kicks in. You question your intuition, thinking you must have got it wrong or you’re over-reacting. Surely you must be wrong! Talking about it with your partner clearly isn’t feasible or emotionally safe, and so you feel more isolated than ever. You try valiantly to push your concerns under the carpet until one day you trip on one of the old red flags, and the cycle begins again.
How straight spouses can cope with gaslighting
Believe it or not, it’s possible to get off the gaslighting crazy-making “merry-go-round.”
- You will need to be highly attuned to your own sense of reality, and not always look to your partner for validation of your concerns.
- You will need to become a reality sleuth, paying attention to your emotional experience and felt sense, and trusting your inner wisdom.
- That being said, it is sometimes helpful to fact-check your ideas and perceptions with someone trustworthy.
- Be on the lookout for patterns of behaviour and conversation tendencies in the relationship. What happens if you raise concerns? How do you feel before saying something, versus afterwards?
- Similarly, gathering accurate evidence to act as a reality check is helpful for when you feel uncertain about your perception of reality or your memory of events.
- When feelings of unease arise, it’s helpful to use calming, grounding skills to help you find a solid platform to stand on.
It’s difficult to push back against gaslighting when it’s happened over a length of time, as your self-confidence is likely to be shattered. If you need help managing your situation and learning to trust your instincts again, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Thank you for this. It’s only in the past 3 months (and I am 2.5 years post disclosure) that I have recognised that my ex was a narcissist and I was gaslit. If I had read this article first, I would got there sooner.
Initially, I thought I was different, and I was lucky as I was the one whose ex realised he was gay towards the end, not that he was aware all the way through and had spent a long time prepping before coming out.
It is so hard to understand how someone could do this to another person, when it’s not in your own dna to do this.
Thank you for continuing to voice the real issues. I am so grateful we have you.
I totally agree, it is great to read this article to understand what I have been put through. I am one month post ‘forced disclosure’ as I had been gaslit in the past 6 months. My intuition told me but I forced the feelings down, in total denial despite the evidence.
I cannot understand how someone can do this to someone they profess to love, its heartbreaking and trying to work out where to go from here for both my children and myself is just terrifying.
Hi Michelle, it certainly is difficult to understand how someone can do this to someone they profess to love, and who loves them deeply. Unfortunately, as women in particular, we are often trained to disavow our own feelings if it means calling someone out on bad behaviour. Finding our assertiveness and voice is such an important part of healing. You matter! Karen.
Amanda, you’re certainly not alone in the time it takes to come the realisation of gaslighting. It’s part of the frustration of it, as it really does undermine our clarity and awareness. I’m glad you now see the reality, even though it’s probably quite painful. Karen.
Karen–you do such important work! I enjoyed this article very much and the 4 phases of gaslighting spoke to me quite directly. Keep doing what you’re doing. Thank you for enlightening others with your words!
Thanks Alinda!