Mother’s Day and the Straight Spouse

Here’s to the women who dreamed of being wives and mothers, who fell in love, married their sweetheart and then… discovered the marriage was a sham. As a result of your relationship with a man you discovered was gay or transgender, you may have lost the opportunity to become a mother. Or you’ve perhaps achieved motherhood, but the experience has been tainted by what’s happened to you and your children. Whatever your specific circumstances, let’s talk about Mother’s Day and the straight spouse.

Your family’s unique circumstances don’t fit easily into the mainstream narrative of Mother’s Day, which is typically filled with gender norms and an emphasis on traditional parenting roles. In contrast, you’ve found yourself in a relationship that feels neither ‘normal’ nor traditional! Your social media feed is likely to be filled with happy family snaps, and yet yours has been fractured by betrayal. Societal expectations and norms can leave you feeling invisible, or ashamed of the complex family dynamic in which you’ve found yourself.

If you have children, your grief for them may be exacerbated on days like today as they, too, grapple with how to fit into societal norms. If you are childless, your feelings of loss will almost certainly be heightened on Mother’s Day. The celebrations and traditions of the day are intertwined with the complex emotions you feel, and it’s lost the innocence of years gone by.

Although things have not worked out as you’d hoped, you are not alone in this experience as there are, unfortunately, so many in a similar situation. I want to honour some of the ways in which straight spouses can struggle on Mother’s Day, and then we’ll explore some strategies for coping with difficult days such as this.

Women with trans (ex) partners who take the name of ‘Mum’

Here’s to the woman who fell in love with the ‘man of her dreams,’ only to discover he identifies as a woman, too. He may want to change his body to match how he feels on the inside, and you find yourself no longer married to a man but a trans woman. In some cases where there are children involved, your trans partner (or ex-partner) may have claimed the name of ‘mum’, too. This can be deeply painful. You’ve always been the mother in the family, and now you have to share the role and the title with a person who was formerly your husband. Perhaps they even expect to share Mother’s Day with you, as they see themselves as a mother, too.

You are mom/mum/mother, or whatever name you want to be called. You always are, and you always have been. Nothing can take that away from you.

Straight wives who wanted to be mothers

Here’s to the woman who desperately longed for children. You gave your most fertile years to a man who later came out as gay or transgender. You may have ended up alone, with your ‘body clock ticking’ and the growing realisation that motherhood will be unlikely for you now.

Perhaps you had a closeted gay husband who just wasn’t into you. Sex was rare or non-existent, and your dreams of becoming a mother were taken from you or made less likely.
Perhaps you discovered that your husband was taking feminising hormone therapy, which reduced his fertility and made pregnancy difficult, if not impossible. You may have blamed yourself until finally realising you were working against the odds with a transgender partner.

Either way, you’ve ended up with involuntary childless grief, and the closeted relationship you were living in is a major culprit. Unmet hopes and dreams are a source of grief, and your grief is valid.

Straight wives co-parenting with a gay or trans ex-partner

Here’s to the straight woman who married someone presenting as a straight man. You brought children into the world and into a family structure that’s turned out radically different from what you thought it was. You’re now co-parenting with a gay man or trans woman, trying to follow a guidebook that doesn’t exist. People may say it’s “just like any other divorce,” but you know it’s so different. Be kind to yourself as you navigate the complexities of your new family dynamic. You may have spent much of the marriage acquiescing to your partner to keep the peace, and it may take time to re-empower yourself and follow through with clear boundaries about what works and doesn’t work for you. Remember always to centre the children in the family dynamic, and attend to your own needs and feelings, too.

Straight men with transgender ex-wives

Here’s to the straight man who married someone presenting as a straight woman. She later crossed the gender line and now identifies as a man, ‘just like you’. If you’ve had children together, you may find yourself grieving for them on days like today. They have, in a way, lost their mother and instead, their other parent is a trans man, previously known as Mum. They may be permitted to continue calling him ‘Mum’, but this can feel incongruous with the person sitting in front of them looking like a man. Or they may be expected to stop using the term ‘Mum’ at all, and you wish with all your heart that they weren’t going through this. Life can be complex for kids who start life with mum and dad and end up with two parents identifying as the same gender. As their father, you may find yourself wishing you could protect them from the challenges of this complexity. It can feel disempowering to be unable to change the reality for your children, but what you can do is be the best dad you know how to be.

Reclaiming Mother’s Day

There are many things outside of your control, but what you do have control over is your thoughts, your perspective, and what you focus on. Reclaiming Mother’s Day as a straight spouse can be challenging and empowering. Here are some strategies you might like to try:

• Create new traditions: Think about what you value and the kinds of experiences you enjoy. This may involve spending time with loved ones, volunteering, or ramping up your self-care practices. You might even like to consider something far removed from the traditions of the day. You don’t have to comply with societal expectations and traditions unless you want to.
• Reframe the day: Instead of focusing on your partner or viewing the day through the traditional lens, you may focus on your unique journey. This may be about your role as a mother, your relationship with your own mother or other significant female figures, or your identity as a childless woman. For the male readers with tans partners, you may find it helpful to focus on other ways in which your children can experience mother figures.
• Seek support: Reach out for help, companionship, or an uplifting message from people you value and respect. You may find joining a straight spouse support group helpful to give you a sense of solidarity and community (email me if you do!). It may be a good time to find a therapist or coach (again, reach out if you need help with this) or to reach out to loved ones who understand and support you.
• Practice self-compassion: Sometimes, the best person to seek support from is yourself! Be extra kind, accept whatever emotions and thoughts show up on a day like today, and meet them with loving, tender care. It’s natural to feel a range of complex, difficult emotions on a day like today. Please go gently with your grief today, as it’s a normal response to loss. The grief you’re experiencing is as valid as when someone has died.
• Focus on what brings you joy: Whether it’s spending time with loved ones, taking time to relax and recharge, or engaging in a hobby, make sure you prioritise activities that bring you joy and fulfilment.

These are just some ways to begin the process of reclaiming Mother’s Day. I’m sure you have other ideas or experiences you’ve found helpful. Feel free to share them in the comments below so others can benefit from your experiences.