As straight spouses and partners of transgender people, we often find ourselves in situations where we are shamed for feeling angry. This can happen when people tell us that we shouldn’t be angry at our ex because they were victims of homophobia.
Anger shaming typically presents differently for men and women. Society’s strong and necessary stance against uncontrolled anger from men, which overflows into violence and abuse against women, is often misused to shame all male anger. Women, on the other hand, are often portrayed as being overly emotional, crazy or unhinged if they show anger.
Treating anger as shameful is a problem. Anger, by itself, is neither good nor bad. It is simply an emotion. It is an emotion that serves to protect us. Anger is triggered when we are in an unjust situation. Heeding its warning helps us to get out of, and avoid falling into, those situations again. When we are shamed for feeling anger, we may push it down and try to ignore it. This leaves us vulnerable to abuse.
Is anger always bad?
This is a lesson that I’ve had to learn the hard way. I grew up believing that male anger was shameful. My ex-wife often gaslit me, which exacerbated my beliefs about anger and shame. I’d show frustration in my voice, and she’d respond with, “Whoah, why are you getting so angry?”. With that statement, I’d be completely disarmed and unable to stand up for myself. The issues in my marriage were fueled by my then-wife’s underlying resentment of me because she was a lesbian who felt trapped in a straight marriage. The issues were continually turned back onto me and made out to be my issues, including my so-called “inappropriate” anger.
Through therapy, I have begun to develop the ability to reconnect with my anger and use it positively. I have learnt that when I was being gaslit, I had every right to be angry. Anger is not a shameful thing; it is an important tool. One thing that I found really helpful was a mnemonic that I came up with – MAD AF. It’s an acronym, standing for Mindfulness, Anger, Down-regulation, Assertiveness, and Find the middle ground. When I find myself in a situation where someone is taking advantage of me or gaslighting me, I ask myself: Am I MAD AF? Then I go through the following process.
MAD AF: A tool to help with anger
Mindfulness
The first thing is to make sure I’m in touch with reality. To ensure I’m not consumed by anxiety, fear, anger or grief. Instead, I need to be aware of my surroundings and how I feel. I start by acknowledging my physical senses – what can I see? Hear? Smell? I might notice something that the person I’m talking to is wearing. Or I might hear a ticking clock or birds chirping. Then I move to my own emotions: what am I feeling? Where am I feeling it? What effect is that having on my body? Where are those feelings taking my mind?
Anger
In touch with the present and my own feelings, I now ask myself, where is my anger? If I’m in an unfair situation where someone is taking advantage of me or gaslighting me, my body will respond with anger. Where is the anger sitting in my body? What does it feel like? Where is it taking my mind? I allow myself to feel the anger. I don’t try to push it down; I allow myself to feel it in my mind and body.
Down-Regulation
After getting in touch with my anger, it’s time to calm down. This doesn’t mean ignoring the anger or pushing it down; the anger should very much stay on my mind. But I also need to ensure that I keep my anger in context. There is a process to whatever I’m doing. Divorce, custody, and co-parenting issues all have processes I can follow, processes that work, and processes I can trust. Yes, I’m angry, and I have every right to be. But I also need to talk myself through how this will play out, as I don’t need to show all that anger now. I can be patient and allow the process to take its course.
Assertiveness
Now that I’m thinking reasonably, I’m ready to put my anger to good use. Assertiveness is the healthy application of anger. I now ask myself, what are my values? What is the truth? What are the things that I must not compromise on, no matter what? I use my anger to forcefully impress upon myself that I need to stand up for myself, my values, and my needs. That I need to stand my ground and say no to things that are not fair.
Find the middle ground
No longer compromising on my values and core needs, I am now in touch with my anger and empowered to engage with the other person and find the middle ground. This is where I can begin to show them understanding, to empathise with their point of view. But I must do all the other steps first to ensure the other person doesn’t take advantage of me. I must find my anger and turn that into assertiveness. Otherwise, I won’t find the middle ground; it will just be them getting their way every time.
Putting the MAD AF anger tool into practice
I recently attended a mediation session with my ex. I printed out the letters ‘MAD AF’ in large font and kept it in front of me during the session. It was a tough mediation session! Every time I felt overwhelmed, I looked back at my mnemonic and went through the process, which helped greatly! I was able to stand up for myself and get a result that didn’t compromise my values or needs.
As straight spouses, we need all the help we can get. It wasn’t us that chose to enter a mixed-orientation marriage. It wasn’t us that chose to act on our repressed sexuality. We are just along for the ride, with very little control over anything. This is why it’s very important for us to learn to be assertive and to take control of our lives. To do that, we need to be in touch with our anger. We need to use our anger productively because anger empowers assertiveness. So next time you feel helpless in your situation, ask yourself, are you MAD AF?
About the author:
James is a father of two kids and is also a straight spouse. He was married to his ex-wife for eleven years before she came out as a lesbian and left him to live an authentic life, telling him she was leaving him to live authentically. Meeting with and reading the stories of other straight spouses was so helpful for James on his journey and healing. He wants to do whatever he can to support others who find themselves in the same situation.
A note from Karen… Thank you, James, for contributing this post. Anger is a indeed natural response to betrayal! Therapy can be a helpful vehicle for processing anger and finding constructive ways to work with it. For straight spouses reading this post, if you need help managing your emotional distress, don’t hesitate to get in touch. If you enjoyed this post, you might like to sign up for the Not My Closet email newsletter below to keep up with future posts and straight spouse news. Let’s stay in touch, Karen
Thank you very much James. For me, the problem of anger went way back to my childhood. Our father never hit us or our mother, but I can remember him both his fists through a glass door in anger. And I think I unconsciously decided that I would never, ever show my anger. It was too dangerous. So it’s taken me a good many years, and some therapy, to accept my anger and not pretend it isn’t there. There’s still anger there: after 30 years of an increasingly sexless marriage, my wife ‘came out’ to herself and to me as a lesbian. But we chose, I chose, to stay together. Neither of us has looked elsewhere. So we share a deep friendship, fellowship, companionship. But no sexual expression, no desire. And I’ll carry to the day I die the wound of not being desired by the person that I have loved and still love.
My problematic view of anger was very similar. My father also never hit us, but he was like a landmine that could be triggered by the lightest of touches, say the wrong thing, ask him the wrong question, interrupt something that he was doing, and he would snap, yelling with anger for no reason. As a child I just learnt to avoid him most of the time. I promised myself I would never be like him, but my promise went too far, and I never allowed myself to feel or show any anger.
I’m sorry that you’re not desired by your wife, but I do hope you are able to live the best life you can live.