It was a Tuesday, in 1989. Valentine’s Day. The day of romance. The day I accidentally got engaged to a gay man. Well, the engagement wasn’t accidental, but I certainly hadn’t intended to get engaged to someone who was more attracted to men, than me!
The proposal itself had happened sometime earlier but we’d kept it to ourselves for reasons I can’t remember. Perhaps it was because he was so young? (Only 18 at the time!) We hadn’t intended for the engagement to become official and public on Valentine’s Day. It just so happened to be the day that my boyfriend/secret fiance talked to my father “to get permission” to marry me, and my Dad was so excited that he announced it to everyone!
And so I officially got engaged on Valentine’s Day… to a gay man I assumed was straight. I had no reason to believe otherwise. It’s not a question we typically ask someone when dating. (Perhaps we should!)
Valentine’s Day and “romance” in closeted mixed-orientation marriages
Although the true origins of Valentine’s Day are uncertain, one thing is clear: a mismatched marriage with a closeted LGBT partner isn’t typically high in passion, desire or romance, although it may seem okay at first. Many closeted partners don’t engage in much “romance” at all, even on Valentine’s Day, leaving you feeling hurt and alone. They may have said things like:
- It’s just a “silly tradition”
- Everything’s “too expensive on Valentine’s Day”
- It’s “too commercialised”
- “That’s not even what Valentine’s Day is about”
- We don’t need to celebrate Valentine’s Day to prove our love
Or Valentine’s Day may have simply been overlooked. Not acknowledged. Much like how you may have felt in the relationship.
However, Valentine’s Day can be one of those occasions where your closeted partner is romantic and attentive. The valentine’s script is written and expectations are fairly clear. Who doesn’t love roses, chocolate, and other romantic endeavours? They may have tried really hard, pulling out all the stops, which can actually be part of the cover-up, and a defence against true connection. It’s easier to give a bunch of roses than to give of yourself, fully, while trying to keep part of yourself hidden.
The early days
Your closeted partner probably seemed fairly normal during the dating and engagement stages, or you wouldn’t have married them! They may have been quite romantic at times, especially on occasions like Valentine’s Day. Even sexual intimacy may have seemed okay. For a time. Like most relationships, there is usually a lot of effort put into the initial stage of the relationship, and sometimes during the “honeymoon” phase. Or perhaps you weren’t sexually intimate at all, due to religious beliefs or personal values (see more below.)
After the wedding
The passion may fade at lightning speed after marriage, sometimes after the first night (if there is even intimacy on the wedding night itself). The closeted partner may have assumed (or at least desperately hoped) that their same-sex attraction would magically go away after they married their straight partner. It doesn’t, and they usually realise quite quickly that there’s going to be an awful lot of “fake it til you make it” – except they will never make their reality different than it is. And sometimes they don’t try to “fake it” very much at all, leaving you in a lonely marriage feeling undesired and confused. In some cases where there is significant personality disturbance in the closeted partner, there is no sex at all after the first night, if it even occurs then. You may have spent much of your marriage perpetually lonely, wondering what was wrong with your marriage. What was wrong with you.
When faith is a factor
Perhaps religious faith or personal values led you both to choose celibacy until marriage. For you, it may have been quite difficult and you yearned for the wedding day. For your partner, a celibate courtship made it easier for the mismatch to stay hidden until after the wedding. Many closeted partners assume their sexual desire will intensify once they’re “allowed” to consummate the marriage. It usually doesn’t, because they’ve married someone who is not a match for their sexual orientation, or their gender identity makes everything confusing. They may try to make the best of the situation, often compelled by religious values and a commitment to their wedding vows. As the straight spouse, it may have seemed “okay” or “good enough” for a while, but you probably realised after discovery, or in a subsequent relationship, how greatly you were short-changed. This causes deep grief and can lead to a faith crisis, as you grapple with how your religious values may have contributed to the situation you find yourself in.
Exceptions to the norm
There are always going to be exceptions to the norm, right? And this is the case with closeted mixed-orientation marriages, too. In some relationships, sex and intimacy seem to go well, and there are very few signs that anything is untoward until the bombshell is dropped, or discovered. In these cases, it may be that the closeted partner is further along the spectrum towards bisexuality, or they have a high enough sex drive to make it work in spite of their same-sex attraction or gender questioning. Or it may be that their sexual orientation was so deeply hidden under shame that they were able to be more attentive and switched on to you until later on in the marriage.
Betrayed by your valentine
Whether you’ve experienced a passionless or low-passion marriage, or it seemed to be going well, the shock of betrayal trauma hits hard. Initially defined by psychologist Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD, betrayal trauma occurs “when the people or institutions on which a person depends for survival significantly violate that person’s trust or well-being.” It can occur during childhood when there is emotional neglect or abuse, and it can also happen in an intimate partner relationship. Although you’re not 100% dependent on your partner for survival, marriage is a relationship where there is supposed to be interdependency and intimacy. There is supposed to be trust and respect, openness and connection. Discovering that the person you’ve given yourself to and trusted so fully has only given half of themselves to you is an intimate betrayal that can rock you to the core.
How do you cope when the “love of your life” is the one who betrays you; when the one you thought had your back, is actually the protagonist in your love story? You look back on your dating, engagement and marriage, remembering expressions of “love” such as on Valentine’s Day, and you question if any of it was ever real; if any of it was sincere.
Typically, after relational trauma, you will heal best in relationship, but it can be fraught with potential problems as you’re now primed to self-protect and it’s difficult to trust. The safe haven of a therapeutic relationship can be very helpful here, as can friends and family who show up with consistent love and care. For some straight spouses, a new relationship can be part of the healing, although it can also be triggering, so taking time for some personal healing first is helpful.
You can be your own valentine
After intimate partner betrayal trauma, it’s typical to be cautious about intimacy and doubt people who “profess to love you”. It can be difficult to know who to trust, or how to trust yourself. One of the first and most important jobs on the agenda is learning to love yourself again.
I grew up in a Christian home and one of the “mottos” that was often repeated was, “Jesus first, others second, yourself last” (an acronym for joy). While there’s a place for self-sacrifice and service, it can be unhealthy to deprioritise yourself and defer to others at the expense of your own well-being. Learning to love and value yourself may be a slow process, but it is oh, so important.
Faith aside, women, wives, and mothers are particularly conditioned to defer to the needs of others. It may feel uncomfortable to tune in to what you need or desire, particularly after a marriage in which your focus was quite likely on trying to make your unhappy partner happy. The process of learning to love yourself unconditionally is an ongoing journey and one well-worth travelling. You are the one you’re looking for.
Self-love is a little like putting on your own airbag. Without it, it’s difficult to truly love someone else. Having your heart broken by betrayal makes the journey back to Self a little treacherous at times, and it’s a lifelong process in many ways, as you repair hurts and remember who you are and what you’re worth. As you turn inwards, attending to what you need and what will enrich your life, you will have a platform from which you can reach out and take in the love of others.
Whatever situation you find yourself in today, whether you’re still with your closeted (or formerly closeted) partner, or in a subsequent relationship, or separated/divorced, you can be your own valentine. What that looks like is totally up to you! You might even decide to “do a Miley” and buy yourself flowers!
Also, you don’t have to be an island! You can reach out to those who love you. You can reach out to show love to another person, even if it is a stranger up the street. You can participate in groups or reach out online. If you need help connecting with other straight spouses in recovery from betrayal trauma, or if you’re interested in individual therapy or coaching, please get in touch. I’d love to help.
0 Comments