Straight Spouse Silver Splitters: Divorcing Later in Life

I didn’t want a divorce. Ever. The D word wasn’t even in my vocabulary. And so, as my marriage deteriorated, I tried harder. And harder. I remember solo evening walks, hearing the sounds of “happy families”, watching “happy husbands coming home to happy wives”, smelling their homely dinners. The thought that would come to me was: “I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be another divorce statistic”. And yet here I am.

Finding out my husband was gay should have sealed my fate. Unfortunately, it would be a 1,000 km interstate move and another 18 months before I would leave.

Not long after my marriage ended, my youngest son said to me, “Isn’t divorce a good thing? It’s the end of a bad marriage.” I replied, “The good thing would be for a marriage not to be bad.”

Why are more people divorcing later in life?

Grey divorce is on the rise in Australia. That is, divorce later in life, particularly over the age of 50. (Personally, I prefer the term “silver splitters” – it sounds so much more sassy, don’t you think?). Typical reasons include:

• Growing apart while raising children
• The existential reality of ageing
• An unwillingness to spend their older years in an unhappy marriage. 

According to this report, primary causes of divorce after 60 are empty nest syndrome, financial pressures, and retirement adjustments. Other factors included reduced stigma about divorce and higher expectations of what marriage should be. As stigma reduces and expectations increase, it’s unsurprising that divorce is most prevalent in the over 60 age group. These people probably married expecting it to be “forever.” But now they feel freer to leave unfulfilling marriages, rather than stay in an unsatisfying marriage. The stark reality remains, however: divorce is highly stressful (one of the top 3) and there are significant financial implications.

In this post, I want to focus on a particular subset of later-life divorcees: straight spouse silver splitters. (Try saying that with a lisp!) Increasingly, people over 50 are finding themselves in unworkable, mismatched marriages after discovering their partner is gay or transgender. These mismatched, mixed-orientation marriages definitely tick the box for “irreconcilable differences” – the catch-all reason for no fault divorce. (This clause was added to the Australian Family Law Act in 1975.)

Why is there an increase in straight spouse divorce?

First, let’s get clear about what a ‘straight spouse’ is. If you’re new to this site, you may think it simply means a straight, married person. What it actually means is a straight person with a non-straight partner. (For ease of communication, I’m also including here the men and women who’ve discovered their partner is transgender.) In some cases, this was a mutual arrangement, with both partners fully informed from the beginning. If there is ongoing 100% transparency throughout the marriage, it may work, to a degree. Historically, however, ‘lavender marriages,’ (see My Policeman and Maestro) appear to have primarily benefited the closeted partner.

In years gone by, homosexual acts were illegal and many gay people married straight partners to fly under the radar. The laws in Australia began changing in 1972, decriminalising consensual sexual activity between men in private. Since then, society has followed a slow meandering path towards decreasing homophobia.

Many silver splitters are leaving relationships that formed when homosexuality was less acceptable than now. (Sadly, it’s a memo some of the younger generation haven’t read yet, as closeted relationships are sadly still happening). Closeted partners may experience a midlife existential crisis, realising they’ve “wasted so many years hiding in the closet”. They don’t want to hide anymore, so they come out to their shocked spouse. OR they continue to feel shame and resist coming out, but their straight partner discovers the truth.

The prevalence of people discovering their partner’s secret sexuality or gender identity is increasing exponentially. This is because increasing numbers of older people are coming out of the closet, and out of their marriages. It’s highly likely that someone coming-out in mid- to later-life had a straight spouse in the closet!

I believe this phenomenon is peaking due to a “perfect storm” of factors:

1. Reducing homophobia and transphobia. (We have a long way to go, but it’s better than before.)
2. Increasing acceptance of gender and sexuality diversity.
3. Reduced stigma about divorce.

And so, many people who married a straight partner while closeted are now coming out. Given the historical timeline of homophobia, transphobia and diversity, many of these people are aged 50 or over.

Before writing more, I need to highlight a very important point:

Yes, there were societal challenges for gay and trans people in the 70s and 80s. (For clarity, I am not saying there are no challenges now). However, it was never okay to withhold the truth about sexual orientation or gender identity from a marriage partner. Deceptive sexuality is an abuse of the partner’s right to know the truth about who they’re marrying. (And this begins with dating, way before marriage is even on the cards.)

Questions worth asking about straight spouse grey divorce

• What’s it like when one of these long-term ‘closeted relationships’ hits the divorce slope? 
• What’s it like for the straight partner when the person they’ve been married to for decades finally comes out? 
• What’s it like for straight partners to watch people celebrate their formerly closeted partner for finally coming out, while overlooking the impact on them? 
• What’s it like for straight partners when their closeted partner refuses to come out, leaving the straight partner to either “out them”, or stay hidden in their closet?

“As a 72-year-old woman, I find myself considering divorce, which had never entered my mind in the 39 years I have been married. This would spell economic disaster. My husband and I are compatible and could live together amicably. However, after accidentally discovering he is attracted to men, I honestly feel I have lost my marriage anyway, divorce or not. In my mind and in my heart, everything has changed.”

Donna

Let’s dig in and explore some of these issues.

The challenges of divorcing after discovering your partner is gay or transgender

Divorcing after discovering your partner is LGBT can be difficult for older straight spouses. This is particularly true when there has been intimate deception from the beginning of the marriage. The length of the marriage and age of the partners present unique challenges that can be emotionally intense and practically demanding. (This all sounds like doom and gloom, but read on to the end!) 

Any divorce can negatively affect mental health, stress levels, financial security, family dynamics, and self-worth. However, there are particular nuances for older straight spouses, which can make divorce even more challenging. For example:

Rebuilding on a shattered foundation 

It’s challenging to write a new chapter of life at any age. For the older straight spouse, it can be particularly difficult, as the sense of self can be so damaged. They not only have to ‘start again’, they have to go back to the beginning of the marriage and try to make sense of things. 

Standing in the rubble of what they thought their marriage was, they’re left to pick up the pieces and construct some kind of ‘next chapter’ with the remnants of their self-worth. Recovery requires rebuilding the self. This can take time, and there is less time for this healing compared to divorce at a younger age. (The upside here is that existential anxiety about ageing and dying can be a motivator for change and growth! Time is more limited, so there is an impetus to make the most of it.)

Difficulty With Trust Issues 

Discovering infidelity or betrayal in a long-term marriage can cause profound emotional pain and trauma. The ability to trust again is severely compromised. It’s difficult to contemplate starting over with a new relationship, knowing that your previous one wasn’t built on solid ground. How can you trust again?

Reduced self-confidence 

Decades of marriage to a closeted partner can erode the straight partner’s self-confidence and self-worth. This can radically diminish the confidence needed to break away and start over as a single person.

Concerns about dating as an older person 

Dating apps are a far cry from how these couples got together! The modern dating scene can be uncomfortable and scary for middle-aged or older people. This is especially true, given the shattered self-confidence and trusting difficulties.

Concerns about health, ageing and dying alone

Many of us spend our lives running from our mortality. Ageing is confronting, and it can be doubly confronting to think of facing it as a divorced person. With older age comes increased risk of poor health. Staying together can feel like a security blanket for the next chapter. However, it’s a problematic one that may in fact be a ticking time bomb.

Financial Vulnerability 

The “nest egg” that was designed for 2 now has to be divided into 2. In retirement, splitting assets down the middle with no future income source in retirement may make divorce seem untenable. Even before retirement, awareness of limited income-earning years may be a significant deterrent to choosing divorce.

Also, sexual betrayal may not be the only form of deception in the relationship. There may also have been financial deception. For instance, money may have been secretly spent on ‘acting out’ behaviours. There may also be hidden assets or debts, concealed financial information, or financial infidelity. This complicates the division of assets, particularly if the closeted partner manages the finances. The straight partner (often the woman) is often in a position of financial inequality and vulnerability.

Legal Complexities 

In states or countries with at-fault divorce, there has to be a provable reason for divorce, such. as infidelity. Proving infidelity by a closeted partner can be difficult, as evidence is likely well-hidden. Gathering evidence can be difficult and emotionally draining.

Family Dynamics 

Whether your partner comes out or stays closeted, divorce can significantly affect family dynamics, even with adult children. More about this below.

Long-Term Emotional Impact 

Any divorce is emotionally painful. Straight spouses may particularly struggle with self-worth, abandonment, and loss of an assumed legitimate, lifelong partnership. There may be intense feelings of grief, anger, shock, and confusion. It’s devastating to discover the marriage was never what you thought it was. (Hint: therapy or coaching can help!)

Disenfranchised Grief 

Any divorce can cause significant grief, but straight spouse divorce is particularly disenfranchised. People may give an older closeted partner a “free pass” because it was “harder to come out back then”. There is a “free pass”, as though the choice to marry without telling the truth was okay. This response from people disregards the critical impact of a long marriage to a partner who’s “just not into you”.

Starting over can simply feel too hard 

At this age, it can be overwhelming to think of severing a life (and often a family) built together over decades. As a result, divorce may feel impossible, and there may be a feeling of entrapment and hopelessness. Then there are the complexities based on whether the closeted partner comes out or stays closeted.

Divorcing when the closeted partner won’t come out

Being Silenced

If the deception has been discovered rather than disclosed, closeted partners are often fiercely determined to remain closeted. After a lifetime of shame and hiding, they hope to ‘take their secret to the grave’. If they hadn’t married a straight partner, the decision to tell (or not) would be a personal. In these relationships, however, it’s a two-person reality. The straight partner has a right to their own story, but in telling theirs, they are effectively outing their partner. When someone takes an unsuspecting straight partner into their closet, there is no informed consent. It’s unfair to force them to keep what would otherwise have been a personal secret.

Presumptions

People may assume that the reason for your divorce is that you “grew apart” or “couldn’t get along”. They’re unlikely to know the true reason. This leaves you bearing responsibility for the divorce that is not yours to bear. This may include children, if they don’t realise the true reason – they may even blame themselves.

Family deception

If you don’t tell the truth, you are now keeping a secret from your children, if you have any. Most straight spouses find this incredibly difficult, as lying (even by omission) goes against their core values. You may feel torn between the pressure to keep your ex’s secret, and your desire to be open with family. Additionally, it can be confusing and shaming if any of the children are LGBTQIA+ to discover their parent’s shame.

Divorcing when the closeted partner does come out

Celebration of the coming-out partner

Family and friends may want to support and celebrate the coming-out partner, who’s been closeted all these years. They may worry that people will think they’re homophobic or transphobic if they “side with” the straight partner. Celebrating the coming-out partner’s “courage” with little to no acknowledgement of the past, can feel like a double betrayal to the straight spouse. They may even be expected to celebrate their ex-partner’s newfound authenticity, too. Meanwhile, they are silently screaming, What about me? Where was their courage and authenticity for the past 30 years?

Invalidation of the straight spouse’s suffering

The loss of support for the straight partner when it’s most needed, is deeply painful. It hurts when people discount the straight partner’s suffering while celebrating the coming-out partner. The impact is not just the “coming out,” but the decades of entrapment in a closet that was never theirs. Failing to validate the straight partner’s struggles in a confusing, closeted marriage, leaves them feeling isolated, alone, and unseen.

For example, they may seek to minimise the situation with comments such as:

• “It was different back then; you can’t blame him/her.” 
• “Surely you must have known.”
• “You should be friends, and support him/her.”
• “You’ve stayed together this long; you should stay together as friends.”

Challenging family loyalties

The grown children of silver splitters have grown up in a changing society and a confusing family. They may have sensed that something wasn’t right. Even worse, they may have stumbled upon some evidence on Grindr or similar. Growing up in a family with secrets has an impact on the children. In the 2020’s, young people may be LGBT or allies. It can be difficult to navigate the two vastly different experiences of both parents. They may feel aligned with the coming-out parent, giving them a free pass “because it was harder back then”. This can be painful for the betrayed straight parent. Alternatively, the grown children may also feel betrayed by the secrecy while growing up.

If they’re LGBT themselves, they may be upset that the parent felt ashamed about their sexuality or gender. It can be very confusing! It isn’t their place to support the parents, but to make sense of their own experience.

Is a good outcome possible after a silver splitter divorce?

Yes, there is hope!

Self-advocacy can be a positive antidote to disenfranchisement, but it’s difficult if your voice has been silenced for so long. It’s important to have healthy boundaries, and select who you want to have in your inner circle of support. In many cases, the straight partner is sworn to secrecy after discovering their partner’s secret, which is extremely problematic.

It’s important for you to have safe people to talk to. Sometimes this may only be your therapist to begin with. The confidential, non-judgemental relationship is a safe space to unpack your concerns and gain much-needed help. Therapy can also be helpful for navigating the complexities of deciding whether to stay together or proceed with divorce.

Some straight spouses choose to stay together and make the best of the situation, due to the challenges of divorcing at an older age. This may look like:

• Cohabiting in a platonic, companionship-based relationship – whether married or divorced.
• Quietly opening the marriage. (Note that this can be very challenging if you’re also maintaining an intimate relationship. This is due to the previous deception and betrayal, and the lack of honesty and communication throughout the relationship. It’s not necessarily impossible, but certainly challenging. It may also go against your core relationship values.)

Others will face divorce and start a new chapter, which I will write about in another post. It’s never too late! If you’re willing to face the tough questions and do the hard work of deep healing and recovery, the term “silver splitters” is apt, as it alludes to the possibility of a silver lining. (It’s definitely more appealing than a “grey lining” in grey divorce!) Can you start fresh and claim back the life that is yours? (The most challenging dynamic here is if the LGBT partner is determined to remain closeted.)

Whichever path you choose, the best-case scenario is one of mutual respect and support. Ideally, the gay or trans partner will be compassionate and empathetic, taking responsibility for the harm caused and making amends. These are the relationships that are most likely to be amicable.

How to respond to an older person who discovers their spouse is gay or transgender

I have a challenge for people who know or hear about older straight spouses who’ve discovered their partner is LGBT.

The difficult experience of straight spouses needs to be recognised and validated. They are collateral damage of decades of homophobia and transphobia. And they are deeply impacted by their partner’s choice to use them as a cover for their sexuality or gender. These relationships may or may not be amicable. In my counselling practice, I typically witness deep, traumatic grief as straight spouses face the demise of a marriage that was never the marriage they thought it was.

As members of a society that contributed to the conditions resulting in these closeted marriages, we have a collective duty to support straight spouses who find themselves in a precarious position they didn’t choose. It is not enough to celebrate older people for finally coming out of the closet. We must also recognise the harm caused to the straight partner.

It’s not uncommon for the media to highlight the coming-out stories of older people, which is great. However, the impact on the straight partner is routinely overlooked, unless it’s an amicable relationship.

My invitation to readers is this: Next time you see a story about an older person coming-out of a marriage to a straight partner, please don’t mock the straight spouse for not knowing, or ‘turning him/her gay’. Instead, take a moment to pay attention to the shadow side of the story.

If you’re a straight spouse silver splitter and you’re struggling, please reach out for help.