My Policeman: A Straight Spouse Perspective

Last week would have been my 33rd wedding anniversary, but I am no longer married, and it’s no celebration. The movie My Policeman was released on Amazon Prime on the same day as my wedding anniversary. My Policeman tells the story of a closeted gay man who married a straight woman (while in love with a man). As a straight woman who unknowingly married a closeted gay man, the irony is not lost on me! This movie review of ‘My Policeman’ is from the perspective of a straight spouse – a perspective not always considered.

Movie Review: My Policeman

I’ll be honest. I first heard about the movie because it stars Harry Styles. (What can I say, I have a teenage daughter?) As a straight spouse who counsels straight spouses, I quickly realised it was a movie I would want to watch.

Based on Bethan Roberts’ book of the same name, My Policeman is a historical drama set in Brighton across two vastly different periods of time: the 1950s (when homosexuality was illegal) and 40 years later (when it was not). It’s an exposé of societal homophobia and the struggle of gay people to live in a society where homosexuality was a crime. Importantly, it also addresses the impact on the straight partner when a closeted gay person hides their sexuality inside a straight-passing marriage. 

Historical setting

Things were certainly different in the 1950s when this film was set. There was no law against being a homosexual person, but homosexual acts between men were illegal. My Policeman does a pretty good job of highlighting some of the trauma and challenges that result from this. Gay men, forbidden from outwardly expressing their homosexuality, would sometimes marry a straight spouse because it wasn’t an option to come out publicly. However, some chose not to marry and lived a clandestine lifestyle, hoping to evade the eye of the law. It can’t have been an easy life.

When a gay man married a straight woman, it wasn’t easy for her, either. She likely had no idea of the truth and probably found her marriage confusing and lonely. Or she knew the truth but put up with it. She may have thought that leaving was not a viable choice or would be dangerous for her partner, as it would have meant exposing him. Divorce wasn’t exactly an easy option back then. (Not that it’s ever “easy.”) 

Given My Policeman’s historical setting, I’m concerned that the movie may perpetuate the myth that these closeted marriages don’t happen anymore. Viewers may focus on “how far we’ve come” and be thankful that marriages like this are a “relic from the past.” But sadly, they’re not. Closeted mixed-orientation marriages are still happening today.

My Policeman: the characters

Let me introduce you to Tom, Patrick, and Marion, whose lives are entwined in a forbidden, tragic love triangle where there are ultimately no winners.

Patrick (the male lover)

Although homosexuality was illegal in the 1950s, Patrick lived as authentically as possible and refused to bow to the societal construct that his sexuality was unacceptable. When Patrick hears of Tom’s plan to marry Marion, he questions Tom, saying, “Do you think it’s fair to the girl?” (He definitely gets a high five for that!) But then, pushing aside his momentary consideration of the impact on Marion, Patrick agrees with Tom’s request to “share him”, making Patrick complicit in the deception. 

Patrick shows up the day after the wedding to prepare a meal for the newlyweds, and the two men find an opportunity for intimacy in the shed while Marion is in the house. After the wedding, when Patrick feels Tom “slipping away,” he takes Tom on a holiday to Venice so they can be together openly. (Homosexuality has been legal in Italy since 1890.) The stinger here is that both Tom and Patrick knew that Marion dreamed of visiting Venice one day.

Tom (the closeted husband)

Unlike Patrick, Tom finds it more difficult to accept his homosexuality. There’s little doubt that he’s a tortured soul. As a police officer, he’s employed to uphold the very law that criminalises his sexuality. He has a homosexual awakening with Patrick and initially regrets it, asking Patrick, “How do you live this life?… I can’t.” Tom believed being sexually intimate with Patrick was wrong and that he “shouldn’t have done it.” 

Despite his initial reticence, Tom is quickly immersed in a passionate sexual affair with Patrick while continuing his “normal” existence as a police officer. And notably, Tom also gives in to society’s pressure to live a heteronormative existence by marrying Marion. 

Most articles about this movie focus on Tom and Patrick, and paint Marion in a bad light, so it was refreshing to read this comment by Srijoni Rudra:  

“Tom did not have the courage to accept who he was; he was ashamed of himself. He never dared to speak about his forbidden love, and in the end, he suffered from regret. He did not just ruin his life but also Marion’s life, who chose to be with him through thick and thin. He could not give her the happiness that she deserved. Instead, she became an accessory to prove his straight life.”

Marion (the straight wife)

Young Marion is presented as somewhat naive and smitten with Tom. After getting married, she sees evidence of the relationship between the men and makes sense of it by determining that Patrick is a homosexual and is trying to destroy their marriage by “encouraging Tom’s tendencies.” Marion believes it’s her job as Tom’s wife to help him. 

When we revisit the characters 40 years later, it’s Marion who challenges Tom about their passionless relationship and acknowledges her loneliness. It’s Marion who cares for Patrick after his stroke. And it’s Marion who ultimately chooses to help the men reunite and set them all free.

I initially thought the title referred to Marion’s relationship with her policeman husband and her discovery that she had to share him with a male lover. However, “my policeman” is actually a term that Patric used to disguise Tom’s identity in his journal. It’s pertinent, really, as Tom was never Marion’s policeman. He was always Patrick’s.

Issues of concern

Triggers

This story will cut close to home for most straight spouses, and you may not find it easy to either read the book or watch the movie. Watching Marion fall in love with a man who’s in love with a man, may trigger some very uncomfortable emotions, particularly if you’ve only recently discovered that your husband or wife is gay. It can also be difficult if you’re further along in your recovery journey. 

The trailer gives a fairly good sense of what to expect from the movie. The gay sex scenes are likely to be particularly difficult to watch when you’ve been married to a closeted gay man. Even if your husband didn’t act on his same-sex attraction during your marriage, watching these scenes may be something you simply don’t want to do. Their sexual encounters and sexual chemistry can be difficult to witness when you’ve spent years, possibly decades, feeling undesired and undesirable.

A passionless marriage

In reality, it’s the sex scenes between Tom and Marion that may be the most confronting for straight spouses to watch. Tom’s lack of passion and desire for Marion is evident, especially compared to how he is with Patrick. Marion’s look of resignation and disappointment when they’re “intimate” portrays the experience many straight spouses endured in the desire-less chasm of their marriage.

If you’re like most straight spouses, you were typically left wanting regarding the pleasure you imagined you’d experience in your marriage. Not knowing the true reason for your husband’s lack of interest or passion, you may have felt responsible for the problem, significantly impacting your self-worth.

A lonely marriage

Like Marion, most straight spouses feel very lonely in their marriages. It can feel like being married to half a person and you don’t know why. When Marion finally takes stock of things after 40 years, she says to Tom:

Marion: I’ve been so lonely

Tom: What do you mean? I’m always here. 

Marion: You’re never here. I’ve never had you. Not for myself. He was always in your life. In our lives.

Deception

A key difference between the three main characters in My Policeman is this: Marion was not informed of Tom’s homosexuality or his affair with Patrick. In contrast, Patrick and Tom knew the full truth and were already sexually involved whenTom and Marion’s relationship began. 

Tom married Marion under false pretences. Yes, homosexuality was illegal and made things extremely difficult for Tom and Patrick, but using Marion as a cover was unfair to her. Marion wasn’t given a chance to give informed consent to marrying a closeted gay man, and she spent the next 40 years trying to make it work.

When we’re introduced to the love triangle, we see things from Marion’s viewpoint. She clearly adores Tom and is blissfully unaware of Tom and Patrick’s relationship. Scenes of the trio together at the art gallery, theatre, opera, and more seem so innocent. We’re even taken to Patrick’s apartment, where Tom awkwardly proposes to Marion. Tom’s capacity to propose at the apartment where he’s been sexually active with Patrick is not an endearing quality! 

We’re then shown how Patrick and Tom’s sexual relationship began, and we realise they were already sexually active by the time the trio began going places together! The scenes depicting visits to the art gallery, theatre and opera are revisited, showing the men’s clandestine glances and secretive hand touching, alongside Marion’s blissful unawareness. (The stylistic choice to show the scenes from both vantage points powerfully demonstrates the contrasting realities in closeted marriages with a secret sexual basement. One person is unaware of what the other is hiding.)

When a straight spouse is used as a cover

It seems Marion was used as a cover for the men so they could date publicly in a society where their relationship was ostracised. The vilification of Tom and Patrick’s relationship is a blight on society, but it doesn’t make it right for them to use Marion.

Tom’s reasons for marrying a straight woman are self-serving and devoid of passion. He explains to Patrick that he:

• is “fond” of her,
• is more likely to get a promotion at work, and 
• hopes to have children someday. 

Although Tom tells Patrick why he intends to marry Marion, he sadly fails to tell Marion that he’s in love with Patrick. Tom does get a brownie point for telling his gay lover not to hurt his straight wife because “she really is a wonderful person.” However, he constantly dismisses Marion’s concerns about Patrick and her concerns about their passionless marriage.

Gaslighting

As Marion’s awareness of the truth increases, she raises her concerns with Tom, only to be met with defensiveness and gaslighting. For example, after Marion finds out about the Venice trip, she confronts Tom and he gaslights and silences her:

Marion: You’re going to Venice

Tom: Why shouldn’t I go?

Marion: Patrick is a sexual pervert 

Tom: That’s ridiculous 

Marion: It’s obvious, Tom. To everyone but you 

Tom: You’re wrong!

Tom: You know what, Marion? I’m beginning to think you’ve got a dirty mind!

Marion: I don’t know what to do. I have to do something. 

Tom: I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. We’ll say no more about it. I’m going into the other room. I want you to pull yourself together. We’ll have our tea and forget this. Marion, get a grip on yourself!

Later, Tom says, “Stop this foolishness. Sit down. I’ll make us some tea,” as though that will fix anything.

Gaslighting is quite common in closeted mixed-orientation marriages due to the closeted partner’s painful struggle to acknowledge the truth. Straight spouses often blame themselves for not having seen red flags, or not having noticed or responded appropriately to them. However, even when they do raise concerns, it’s common for the closeted partner to deny them. 

Many straight spouses lose trust in their ability to know the truth or read a person, but in reality, they’ve often realised something was amiss and been silenced when raising their concerns. An important part of recovery is regaining self-trust, and also learning how to trust others.

Tom’s “apology”

There is no apology from Patrick, even though he was unaware that it was Marion who reported him. When she visits Patrick in prison, he says to her, “Well, you must be pleased about all this. You’ve won.” “Nobody’s won,” she replies. (Ain’t that the truth!)

Fortunately, Tom tells Marion he’s sorry and knows he let her down. He admits to lying, saying, “I shouldn’t have deceived you. It wasn’t right. But I couldn’t tell you. You would have left me, and I did want you. But I wanted him, too.”

This is more of an apology than many straight spouses get, but it misses the essential elements of empathy, remorse, compassion, and emotional repair. And until the very end, he still says to Marion, “I can’t lose you. I can’t live alone.”

Marion as a scapegoat for homophobia

To clarify, I agree with Patrick, who said they lived in “wretched times.” There was nothing easy about the struggle for homosexual people to live authentically, and there was nothing easy for the straight partners who got caught in the crosshairs between homosexual men and the vilification of their sexuality by society.

I’m not for a moment suggesting that Tom and Patrick didn’t struggle, but as a counsellor of straight spouses, I’m using this platform to speak up for the plight of the people who’ve been used as a cover for someone’s homosexuality. 

One of the key issues emphasised in “My Policeman” is that Marion “outs” Patrick to his workplace. She’s understandably angry about them going to Venice and reacts impulsively. Their trip was the final straw for Marion as it confirmed their betrayal and her belief that Patrick was leading Tom astray. She tells her friend she’s compelled to try to help Tom because she’s his wife. But she regrets her action the next day and ends up defending Patrick in court. 

There’s no scenario in which Marion’s act is okay, yet we should remember she was a product of society’s homophobic attitudes at the time. She genuinely believed Patrick was a “sexual pervert” and that Tom “had tendencies that Patrick encourages.” Her goal was to save Tom from Patrick’s influence and save the marriage, too. 

For context, it would be at least a decade before the UK’s first Gay Pride March. 

I think the writer may have used Marion as a scapegoat for society’s homophobia. This was an unfair burden to put on the shoulders of this character, who was herself collateral damage of that same homophobia. 

Marion’s compassion and confession

To be honest, when I finished reading the book, I felt like throwing it across the room. (I didn’t.) The conclusion made me realise: the book is ultimately Marion’s confession to the two men for having “outed” Patrick to his workplace! She intended from the beginning to write her story and then read it to Patrick, so he knows she “outed” him and why. 

The chapters written by Patrick are from his journal, which Marion reads 40 years after it was written (when he’s living in their home). The rest of the story is Marion telling her version of events, which she eventually gives to Tom so he can read it to Patrick. She wants them to understand what happened (that she reported Patrick) and to be together. This detracts from the fact that Marion was also wronged and that her wrong was a reaction to what had happened to her. The harm Marion experienced wasn’t due to an impulsive one-off act. She spent 40 years in a passionless marriage that she should never have been taken into. At the very least, she should have been informed of the true nature of the men’s relationship and the role she was tasked with. Emphasising her confession also highlights the fact that she, too, had a secret that she doesn’t reveal until the end. Reporting Patrick was certainly not a good thing to do, but again, we mustn’t ignore that the men had kept their relationship secret from the beginning and used her as a cover.

I was a little confused by Marion’s warmth and compassion for Patrick, the man her husband was sleeping with until he went to prison. Had she forgiven him? Was it guilt? Was it her way of trying to make up for reporting him? It can suggest that she was fine with what happened, or that the only one who did wrong and needed to repair things was her. It shows her capacity for kindness and self-sacrifice. This isn’t an uncommon character trait in straight spouses, but that raises a whole other issue that I’ll save for another blog post!

I asked some other straight spouses to contribute their thoughts to this article. Elizabeth wrote: 

I don’t know why they had to have Marion do something evil. I wish they hadn’t! I feel like doing something that evil was unrealistic to her character: she was kind of a wimp, passive – but not evil. But the writer/filmmaker wanted to make it even so that everyone betrayed everyone. But, in marriages like these (and yes, mine, now), it’s not at all even. One person is lying, the other is not. And she makes enormous, lifetime commitments based on his lies. It is beyond uneven. It’s grand theft. It’s not even.

Marion reclaims her life

This is the best part of the movie! She gets straight with Tom (pun intended haha), saying, “You did lie to me from the day we met. And you kept lying. You loved Patrick. And you still love him… All of these years, I blamed myself for keeping the two of you apart, and I’ve never really thought, what have I missed?” 

She also acknowledges that they all destroyed each other and that she and Tom don’t make each other happy. She doesn’t wish ill on Tom and Patrick; in fact, she hopes they can love each other. (This is more than many straight spouses are ready to say at the moment of separation, although Marion had spent quite a while preparing for this.)

Ultimately, Marion sets them all free. Her smile in the final scene feels a little “too soon,” although it’s true that some straight spouses are definitely ready to wipe their hands of the relationship and move forward to their new life quite quickly. And I guess she had done a lot of reflection during the 40 years since first discovering that Tom and Patrick were in a homosexual relationship. Most straight spouses, however, go through a significant phase of mourning and adjustment. Eventually, the smile does return, and life goes on, but it takes time to get there.

Summary

To readers who aren’t straight spouses, if you choose to read the book or watch the movie, I hope you can consider both sides: how awful it was back then for closeted gay men and their straight wives and how awful it continues to be today when history repeats itself. I hope you can think beyond “how awful it was back then” and realise it’s still happening today. I hope you can see how difficult it is for straight spouses who find out their husband or wife has always been gay. They deserve empathy and compassion, too.

To readers who are straight spouses: The question you may ask yourself is, “As a straight spouse, should I watch My Policeman?” The answer, of course, is: it depends. For some of you, it may be cathartic, but for others, it may not be helpful at all. There is absolutely no need to watch it unless you feel drawn to do so. Either way, I hope this blog post has been helpful for you in understanding some of the themes in the movies, and perhaps the blog post is something you might like to share with people who mention the movie to you. I hope that it helps others understand more about the experience you may be going through.

Straight spouse perspectives of the My Policeman movie

I asked some other straight spouses for their perspectives on My Policeman. Here are some responses:

I’m far away from D-Day, so you’d think I’d be emotionally able to handle this movie, but I still have difficulty watching shows/movies where a straight spouse is being used by a closeted gay man. I read the synopsis. I just can’t watch it ~ Annemarie

I would not watch this movie for all the money in the world. I couldn’t think of anything worse – having lived it once is torturous enough ~ Sharyn

Sharing intimacy with someone physically, sharing that part of yourself and giving yourself to them and then finding out you were targeted and used by them because of your gender and orientation is a horrible feeling. Finding out that you had frequent sex with your partner who isn’t really into you is such a deep betrayal ~ Name withheld

I watched it yesterday. It’s been MANY, many years for me so I wasn’t really afraid of being triggered. Their story was different than most.  She knew – and chose not to address it. I think in the end she showed extreme empathy as she was willing to take care of “their friend” in his time of need – but the husband couldn’t even look at him and seemed like he wanted to forget the whole thing. I think the wife tried to make him understand that he needed to take care of his lover and for lack of better words – “man up.”  I’m just sorry that it took her so long to walk.  It took me a long time too. I was sad for her that she literally gave up her whole life – for that.  That’s where I empathized with her – because literally – I did the same.  I feel like I lost the best years of my life to a lie ~ Karen

The part where the boys go to Venice made me burn – that was her dream! I do love her smile at the end…the relief of no more stress… Another part that disturbed me is when the husband was telling the lover, in order to advance in my job with the police, I need to marry ~ Laura

I found it very sad – her discovery and the choices she made once she knew. It was the times, for sure – she loved him and thought she could bring him back around to her if Patrick were out of the picture. Sad for Tom and Patrick as well – they didn’t have the option to be together as modern gay people can, and Tom wanted the safety of marriage for his standing in the community.  Patrick even chanced to say – is that fair for her? He then disregarded her feelings completely to hold on to his lover. Where they chose to go on holiday made me angry for her – because earlier when they asked what her dream was, she said Venice – and then they went away to Venice without her.  My ex was happily going away for “work” and doing god-knows-what for years while I stayed home with two kids on the autistic spectrum. I’d say, “When do I get to run away for a few days?” And he’d say, “When your employer pays for the trip.”  My ex also very much wanted marriage and children, a normal life – he also wanted to do what he was going to do without any regard to how that affected us.  He says he experimented with boys in high school and then didn’t touch that part of himself again until he was in his mid-40s, but who knows what is true?  Mostly it made me sad that she lived a half-marriage for 40 years or so because she thought that she could push it aside, but in the end, she saw that she had wasted her love and her youth on someone who could never wholly love her. ~ Patricia

It took me a couple of days to get through it, as it was a trigger.  It seemed like a completely false story with the wife being the bad guy for reporting Patrick and then just driving of into the sunset. Acting like she could finally be happy that they all  could be happy. In real life there was not just one lover but many. Mine destroyed my life. He stole my life with his lies. Hollywood can make it seem like things are cut and dry but the reality is that the straight spouse is left wounded. I get how awful life was for people who were forced to lie about who they are but it did not give them the right to drag innocent  people with them. The movie made me angry and sad and defeated ~ Anonymous

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