Somebody That I Never Knew

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, I’m sure you’ve heard the song, “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Gotye. You probably know at least some of the words and find yourself joining in when the song plays on the radio (even if the only words you know are the repeating song title!) I used to think this song was something of an anthem for straight spouses, but the words aren’t quite right. My formerly closeted ex-husband wasn’t somebody that I used to know. He was somebody that I never knew!

Do you relate?

One of the struggles experienced by many straight spouses I speak to is cognitive dissonance between the straight partner they thought they knew so well, and the lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender person they see standing before them. The marriage they thought they had feels like an enigma.

When you began your relationship, you were just getting to know each other. Eventually, you thought you knew each other well enough to make a lifelong commitment to each other, only to later discover that you had never really known the person looking into your eyes at the wedding altar, making vows of love and loyalty.

Unlike in Gotye’s song, your closeted partner isn’t someone that you used to know. And that hurts.

Gotye’s version

Rewriting the words

Are you ready for some Karaoke? (Apparently, you can even remove Gotye’s voice using an online vocal remover to make way for a true karaoke experience, but I’ll leave that you you to play around with!)

In the interest of being able to sing along with Gotye’s song in a way that resonates with the straight spouse experience, I’ve rewritten the words for you! I’ve underlined some of the accented words to help you work out how they fit in with the original lyrics. (It seemed like a much better option than me recording my own Karaoke version for you!)

If someone wants to record a cover with these words, let me know! Maybe we’ll have a new hit on our hands.

Straight Spouse Anthem: Somebody That I Never Knew

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
It wasn’t love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end
Always the end
Now I know that we could not make sense
We should only ever have been friends
Now I know when it began, it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that you did nothing
And it wasn’t really love 
I know now you were a stranger
And that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low 
When you married me 
You took me into your closet
I really had a right to know
Now you’re just somebody that I never knew 
Now you’re just somebody that I never knew
Now you’re just somebody that I never knew 

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over 
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
I’d be doubting every word you say
You thought that you could make it work
And I wouldn’t know the truth 
That you’re somebody that I never knew

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened
And that we were something
And it wasn’t really love
I know now you were a stranger
And that feels so rough
No, you didn't have to stoop so low
When you married me 
You took me into your closet
I really had a right to know
Now you’re just somebody that I never knew

Somebody - that I never knew
Somebody - I really had a right to know
Somebody - I thought I knew
Now you're just somebody that I never knew
Somebody

What do you think? I don't know about you, but I now can't get this new version out of my head!

Music can help you heal

Do you find music cathartic? In the early days after discovery, I had a “recovery” playlist on my phone and I used to sing myself hoarse when driving in the car without my children. I found it so incredibly helpful and healing, and it enabled me to connect with my emotions in a way that was different to talking about what had happened and how I was feeling. In fact, I was being pressured at that time to keep my then-closeted husband’s secret, even from my children (which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do), so singing in the car was extra helpful! It particularly helped me connect with my anger, which was an emotion I initially found difficult to access. As a woman, it was hidden deep beneath the more socially acceptable emotions of sadness and grief.

When your voice is silenced, music can help you express yourself. In fact, music can be deeply cathartic, helping you find emotional release and restoration. It can help you feel and release your emotions more fully. Taking it further, music therapy can help you to release stuck emotions and access painful memories with the support of a trained therapist. As Minky van der Walt from Tempo Therapy points out, music “impacts your mood, your thoughts and your body.”

Now when you sing along to Gotye’s Somebody That I Used to Know, you have a straight spouse version to provide some catharsis. If you find yourself feeling too emotionally activated when listening to music, please reach out for support. You don’t have to struggle in silence, or alone. And sometimes, the healing process can even be enjoyable! Bring on the straight spouse karaoke sing-along!