Revisiting the past can show us who we were, who we are, and who we are becoming. It can act as a significant marker of progress – or a wake-up call. It is an opportunity to pause and reflect on the journey so far, to see how far you’ve come, and how much you’ve changed since “way back then”. Some memories may be particularly confronting and triggering, and are best revisited with professional help and support.
Stepping Back in Time
Yesterday, I had reason to drive through the suburb where our “intact family” lived prior to separation. I drove to the first house we lived in after finding out my husband was gay, unsure of how it would affect me. The poignancy of a weeping sky wasn’t lost on me.
Sitting in my car outside the house, I remembered the darkness of those days and how deeply isolated I was in my cone of silence. We’d moved into this home just a couple of weeks after my husband disclosed to me that he was and always had been gay. I should also note that we didn’t just move homes, we moved states. Geographically, we moved about 1,000km. Relationally, we moved about into a state of devastating disconnection. We were 1000km away from everything and almost everyone we knew. My then-husband’s family lived nearby, but my closest friends and family were far away across state lines.
I left behind a circle of support that felt impossible to replicate; a group of women who knew me better than I knew my husband!
Relocation made it a little easier for my husband to take tentative steps towards emerging from his closet, I think, but it would be some time before this happened. And while he remained hidden, I was hidden, too, and it was almost impossible for me to draw on my support systems.
I was deeply in his closet, but unable to tell. I complied with his wish to keep his secret, but found it incredibly difficult to withhold it from the children. I focused on supporting them as they transitioned to a new state, far from everything and everyone familiar. And I tried to make sense of this new reality in which I’d found myself.
It was incredibly difficult to reach out and make new friends while carrying this painful secret inside my soul. And it was incredibly difficult to retain the beautiful relationships I’d left behind, as I couldn’t lie, and I wasn’t allowed to tell.
I was living in his closet and I couldn’t tell. I was trapped in a lonely cocoon of silence.
Steps to Healing
In reflecting on this time, I recall elements of my healing journey that required deep personal work on the parts of myself that had been suppressed in his closet and during his coming out process. My mantra had always been to “put others first” even if it meant denying myself the time to look within, to tune into my own needs and preferences. I’d always been “quick to forgive”, which allowed issues to be swept under the rug without fully addressing them. I thought I was doing the right thing but eventually realised that forgiveness is not just saying, “That’s okay, don’t do it again”.
After finding out the truth that my husband was gay and I had been lied to, I wanted everything to be black and white. He was the villain, and I was the victim. Over time, I have become more capable of holding space for the challenges of his journey that led him to hide his sexuality, but I do not believe it was okay to hide his sexuality inside a straight-passing marriage, or to take me into a closet that should never have been mine. (Or his.)
I realised I needed to look within myself, too.
- It took courage to consider how I had tuned out my concerns about something “feeling off”.
- It took courage to consider how I had accepted something that was far from ideal, long before I knew the truth about why.
- It took courage to consider how my willingness to forgive had interfered with the need to insist on boundaries and facing problems.
- It took courage to do the work! But I’m so glad I did. (Not that “the work” is ever really finished! We are all works in progress.)
Eventually, I found clarity about what I wanted and what I needed. Eventually, I realised I deserved so much more.
I had somehow disappeared inside his story. I needed to live my own story.
Stepping Into My Now
Am I glad that this happened to me? I can’t say that I am. But I’m proud of the lessons I’ve dragged out of the mud, and the growth that I’ve worked hard for.
I don’t think anyone should ever feel the need to hide their true selves, but I also don’t think that anyone has a right to withhold their true self from their life partner, or make life-altering choices on their behalf. Straight partners have a right to make a fully informed choice about whether they want to marry a closeted person.
I feel a deep sense of gratitude that I survived. My journey back to Self has been long and is still continuing in some ways, of course. We never stop learning and growing, and I would never want to.
I know that this experience is not my entire story. It does not define me. I am thankful for what I have learned, and I feel privileged to be giving something back by helping others who are walking through a similar challenge.
How about you? Have you had moments where you’ve revisited moments from your past and felt grateful for your growth?
What is Your Next Step?
Where are you now on your journey after discovery? What is your next step towards healing? What do you want to see when you look back on today?
If you think counselling or coaching might help you with your next step, please get in touch. You can book a complimentary 20-minute enquiry call here.
Would you like to share a snippet of your story, or a brief thought for me to quote on your behalf anonymously? You can submit a quote here. If you’d like to write your story out in a full blog post, get in touch and we can work something out.
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