When a closeted LGBT person marries a straight partner and then later comes out of the closet, many people celebrate them for speaking their truth so courageously. Unfortunately, there is typically little or no acknowledgement of the straight spouses living in the shadow of the rainbow while their partners are celebrated. The elusive “pot of gold” is nowhere to be seen for the deceived straight partner!
The closeted partner and the straight spouse
Infidelity and betrayal don’t only happen in heterosexual relationships. Sometimes a relationship may appear to be ‘straight-passing’ but is, in fact, a closeted mixed-orientation relationship: one partner is a heterosexual partner, and one is a closeted LGBT partner presenting with a ‘straight persona’. The heterosexual partner is typically unaware. These relationships are a mismatch, or as the late Bonnie Kaye* described them: a ‘mis-marriage’.
It’s not easy to be the partner of someone who was closeted during the relationship and then came out as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. It’s even trickier when they’re celebrated for coming out, with barely a mention of the straight spouse who was taken into the closet without permission. It’s as though the straight spouse doesn’t exist or matter.
In many of these relationships, the formerly closeted partner moves on quickly, if they haven’t already, as they already had one foot out of the relationship. The betrayed partner typically takes longer to heal, recover their self-worth, and rebuild their life.
Coming out in a blaze of rainbow glory
People rarely acknowledge the suffering of straight spouses who’ve found themselves in a mixed-orientation marriage with a closeted LGBT person. Instead, the straight spouse is often overlooked, while the coming-out partner is celebrated.
When a gay, lesbian or transgender partner has suppressed their sexuality or gender identity for decades, it’s understandable that others will celebrate their authenticity when they finally disclose the truth. After all, everyone has the right to live an authentic, honest life. If they’ve been single, their newfound authenticity is indeed cause for celebration. BUT it’s a different situation when the person coming out has a straight partner. If they have not come out to their straight wife or husband at the beginning of the relationship, it’s important to acknowledge this and make amends. Being lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender doesn’t absolve someone of the responsibility to treat others well. Their suffering doesn’t mean they can’t also cause harm to their straight partner.
The suffering of straight spouses is exacerbated by watching their partner presented as a hero for finally coming out and/or a victim for having suffered in the closet for so long.
Closeted lesbian, gay, or transgender people are sometimes placed on a pedestal for finally ‘coming out’ later in life, with their stories appearing in podcasts, TV news, journal articles, and newspapers. Hardly any stories mention the straight spouse unless the relationship is particularly amicable (which is a rarity rather than the norm).
Sometimes it’s the formerly closeted partner who puts their hand up as a spokesperson for LGBT issues, in spite of having hidden in a closet with an unsuspecting straight partner for many years. They rarely mention their straight spouse except in passing or to say they’re “doing well”, even though this is rarely true. It is a story that the closeted partner hopes and believes to be true, thus reducing their culpability for causing harm.
The straight spouse in the shadows
The popular narrative is that “straight spouses aren’t overly harmed by their closeted LGBT partners”, so they should just move forward and be happy for the coming-out partner. People are hungry for LGBT-positive stories like this, which makes sense! The shaming of LGBT people has gone on for far too long and straight people are part of the privileged majority who have caused that harm. No one wants to believe that a straight person could be suffering due to the choices and actions of an LGBT person! But in the case of a closeted mixed-orientation marriage, it is an injustice not to inform the straight spouse of the true sexual or gender identity. For one thing, it takes away their right to make an informed choice.
The suffering of straight spouses doesn’t fit the dominant narrative, but just because something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
I am in favour of celebrating LGBT people for being their true selves and acknowledging how difficult ‘coming out’ can be. However, when there was also an unsuspecting straight partner, the truth should have been told from the beginning. The impact on the straight partner should be acknowledged. Not just in passing. And definitely not whitewashed.
To the straight spouse: Your pain matters
If you’re like most straight spouses, you were blindsided by the discovery that your partner isn’t who you thought they were. In addition to identity betrayal, you may have also discovered infidelity or excessive gay porn usage. This isn’t uncommon, as your closeted partner was likely seeking sexual fulfilment that aligns with their true sexuality. Meanwhile, you experienced a subpar, or fake, sexual connection within the marriage. Perhaps you even found yourself looking for connection outside of the marriage after years of loneliness, rejection, and confusion. You felt guilty for something you now realise was a symptom of the real problem. Your suffering is a result of the mismatched marriage you were taken into unawares. This certainly isn’t what you signed up for!
The impact on the straight spouse during the marriage
The impact of living in a closet you didn’t choose likely began before they came out and before you even realised the truth of your situation. Suddenly, the marriage that was confusing now makes more sense. You realise why you so often felt undesired, rejected, or neglected. You didn’t know why, so thought it was you. And your self-worth took a beating.
Or perhaps you thought everything was ‘okay’… maybe. But you had a nagging feeling that something wasn’t right. You possibly asked them questions, but they vehemently denied, confused and gaslit you. The love you thought you felt now feels questionable. You question your capacity to really know someone and feel gullible for missing red flags or assuming the relationship was better than it was. Some closeted partners do love their straight spouse in their own way and try to make the relationship work. But there’s always a part of them that doubts, questions, and wonders ‘what if’. If you’re one of the ‘lucky ones’, they will feel genuinely remorseful and make empathic amends. In these cases, there is real hope for amiability and a ‘conscious uncoupling.’ This still doesn’t make the deception okay, but it may make recovery smoother.
In some cases, you may have known your partner wasn’t straight and decided together to try to make it work. This is often due to religious beliefs and warrants a completely separate post. Stay tuned for that one!
The impact on the straight spouse when the closeted partner realises it ‘didn’t work’
At some stage, your closeted partner realised that marrying you as a cover didn’t make their same-sex attraction or gender identity disappear. Unfortunately, you may have become the scapegoat for their frustration and guilt. They may have subconsciously (or intentionally) punished you for failing to fix the problem you didn’t realise you were supposed to fix. Some will refuse to come out of the closet, placing you in the tenuous position of either keeping their secret and living a lie – or telling your truth and outing someone who wants to remain hidden.
After your partner comes out, watching them rise up, step forward, and speak out can be very painful. They may give the impression that their version of events is the full story of what happened. You know that it isn’t, and yet so many fail to consider the straight spouse in the closet. It’s also difficult to watch them move on to new partners while you’re licking your wounds and doubting if you can ever trust anyone again. If they seem to thriving, it can exacerbate your feelings of injustice.
The impact on the straight spouse when the closeted partner is celebrated
If others celebrate your formerly closeted partner while overlooking or discounting your suffering, it may feel like you’re sitting alone in a dark corner of the abandoned closet while they shine in the public eye. Watching others celebrate your formerly closeted partner may impact you in a number of ways. You may experience:
- A sense of invisibility due to invalidation
- A sense of injustice that they’re taking centre stage
- Hurt due to the diminishing or discounting of your pain
- A range of intense emotions, such as jealousy, anger, and grief
- Anger at others who acknowledge your ex-partner and overlook you
- Disbelief and hurt that they’re acting as if nothing much has happened
- Frustration that your partner isn’t acknowledging the harm caused to you
- A sense of isolation due to others not acknowledging or understanding you
One of the important tasks in your healing is reclaiming your story, your life, and your self-worth. Although some people won’t validate your suffering, you can learn to give yourself the love and compassion you deserve. You can find support and hope again. It may start with one or two people or a group of straight spouses. With time, you can learn to re-inhabit your own life and tell your own story. Irrespective of how they are telling theirs.
You can rise up out of the shadows
The good news is that what’s happened until now doesn’t determine what will happen as you move forward. You know the truth now! Your life is yours to live – whatever that looks like! You, too, can rise up in your own way, even if it seems impossible right now. What has happened to you doesn’t define you. Step by step, you, too, can reclaim your life.
Your closeted partner had a head start on their new life because they knew the truth before you. They had time to prepare for their next chapter. You may be playing catch-up, but you’re running your own race in your own time. You don’t have to live in anyone’s shadow. And it’s not a race.
There is a time to weep and a time to be angry.
There is a time to heal and a time to rise up.
You don’t have to stay in the shadow of your partner’s (or former partner’s) closet. You get to shine the light on your own life and decide how you want to live it. It’s your choice whether you choose to stay and try to redesign your relationship, or leave to create your own life. Either way, you can step out from the shadow and live your best possible life. It won’t be easy, but staying in the shadow of the rainbow isn’t easy either. It won’t be perfect, but staying isn’t perfect either.
Whatever you choose to do, make sure you think about what works for you (which might be a new experience!). This is your time, this is your life. You may not get a golden coach or a pot of gold, but you can regain a sense of autonomy and ownership of your own life.
If you’d like to share a comment below about your experience of being overshadowed by their rainbow or of finding your own voice, feel free! Remember that you don’t need to use your full name, so it’s an opportunity to have an anonymous voice, as only I will see who’s posted it. Always ensure you do what’s right for you – it’s not always the right time to share your story. And this may not be the right vehicle for you. But if it is, share away!
Note: I realise that for some straight spouses, post-separation abuse limits your capacity to step forward. I will write about this separately because your situation warrants more attention than is possible in this post. You may have limited options, but there are ways you can manage this situation. You can embrace and make the most of what’s possible, even though it’s not your ideal outcome.
I been married 27 years. My hubby says he’s been bi since his teens. He has acted on it, and he had one or 2 encounters. He is in his 60’s now and seems to be more into men than ever before. I’m going thru menopause, so our sex life has been flimsy. I went thru his phone and discovered his grindr account and he’s into ALOT of gay porn. Am I driving him to this? Is it my fault because of my low libido? He’s become less intimate and tells me alll couples go thru this.
How do I tell him what I’ve seen on his phone? After new year, I’ll be travelling to visit family and I know he’s going to pursue meeting a guy during this time. I feel absolutely lost, lonely and betrayed.
My husband denies being gay, but I have the evidence. He abuses me; is an alcoholic; a porn addict, goes through 50+ viagra monthly, and blames me for everything. I did not sign up for a marriage with a gay man. I was given no choice in the matter. He has been a master of deception, while walking out his gay double life.
He has a total disregard for my feelings, and holds great disdain for me.
Thank you for this article. It’s the first I’ve read that I feel speaks to me. My wife came out last year as a gay asexual after she became deeply, emotionally involved with a close friend. Her sexual interest in me completely evaporated. I found myself unmoored and angry, and even more so because she would gaslight me into feeling like I’d done something wrong by trying to initiate sex. But the signs were there, I suppose.
Very early in our marriage I was the one who briefly stopped sex because I felt something wasn’t right. She couldn’t or wouldn’t orgasm, and I felt as if she was holding back. It felt then like a metaphor for how she was holding back emotionally too. Then, when she came out, she held that period against me.
I recently broached the subject of opening our marriage as a route to meeting my needs, both physical and emotional, and she refused. Said the idea of me with someone else disgusts her. I’m not sure I could do it, anyway, but her reaction strikes me as deeply unfair.
In the end, I am left feeling like my normal sexual desires are perverted. It’s a bad place to be.
This is spot on. My spouse came out to me in January, and to close family and friends. As described, he has been celebrated. He also found a gay boyfriend who also is married to another gay man. This has been an unbelievable roller coaster of emotions, with the shadow on me. And the spotlight on him. We are seeing individual and couples therapists which has been very helpful. We are together; it’s anyone’s guess where we’ll be in six months. As you said, neither choice is perfect.
Divorce laws in California don’t help; insult to injury I lost retirement benefits and other assets in the hell that followed the reveal. I tried to keep everything amicable for our children but the new love interest, now husband and 2nd father to my boys, instigated financial pillaging. Still forgiveness is key. ~ bitter person in recovery
Thank you for speaking about the often-overlooked experience of straight spouses. Supporting LGBTQ+ people and acknowledging the trauma experienced by a straight spouse are not mutually exclusive. Everyone deserves compassion, honesty, and informed choice in a relationship. Healing begins when we recognize that both experiences can be valid, and that authenticity should never come at the cost of another person’s dignity or well-being.
Your article is on point, I may need more of your abuse related ones. After my ex-husband informed me that she wanted to be a woman, it didn’t take me long to know that it was not for me. I am very secure in my sexuality and knowing that I am straight. I was supportive, went wig shopping, clothes shopping etc. When I expressed to my ex that I could not be her main support system due to my own mental health the punishment/vengeance began. All the secrets were delved out to me, all the lies. My ex let me know that they had previously had a 2-year relationship with a man in college and had other flings with men before meeting me. That my ex and their entire family knew and determined that I did not have the right to know before marriage. My ex knew my family history, that my step-mom had been left by her husband because he came out as gay, that my aunt who was always open with her ex-husband about being bi decided she was more lesbian and left her marriage. That I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who was straight because I didn’t want to experience the pain that had occurred with my loved ones. That the man my ex had the long-term relationship with lived by us. My ex disclosed that they had wanted to dress as a woman since they were 12. My ex expected me to move into our in-law suite and be a live-in nanny to our 3 kids. That the severe emotional abuse I had been subjected to because I refused an abortion with our 3rd child was justified because she was jealous, she couldn’t have kids. I was subjected to even more severe financial abuse and emotional then I had throughout the marriage because I left. My ex did not have a transition period, within 2 weeks went from dressing as a man to dressing as a woman full-time, refusing our kids calling her dad. She demanded half of mother’s day, forced our kids to call her mom despite agreeing to never take that from me and that it should be up to the kids when they wanted to start calling her Maddy. Almost 2 years later and I continue to pay for my decision to leave. My ex makes sure that I am not allowed to be happy, always attacking me playing games with our sons medication, visitation schedule, etc. My ex violated me even more by stealing my identity and impersonating me on SnapChat. My ex is very adamant that they are the victim, and I am the villain as they have lost all grasp on history of event to the point of becoming delusional, saying I impersonated myself, despite having the evidence provided to her. The damage is severe and the foundation of trust is something that can never be repaired because the person I knew was always a lie, didn’t exist. What hurts the most is the complete ignorance towards the kids and their feelings and needs. It will take years to heal from the PTSD that I have been diagnosed with from my marriage and the worse of it is that I am not allowed my emotions because then you are transphobe, you are told your partner is still the same person so you should love them all the same. Being the spouse of a person who comes out as trans is the end of your mattering, you are the forgotten and if you are not on board and stick with your spouse, if you do not deny your own sexuality, you are the villain because you refuse to give up all of your happiness for the spouse so that they can be happy. The new laws in some provinces in Canada restricting youths’ ability to self-identify scare me because everyone has the right to be who they are, which I truly believe. By restricting youths’ from choosing how they identify, the politicians are condemning others to be in the same position as me and putting thousands of kids at risk of self-harm and self-hate.
I understand your perspective but what I think this is missing is that there’s not always deliberate deception involved. I didn’t even figure out who I was until I was in my thirties. I literally thought I was straight until then. I was fortunate to not have gotten into a long term relationship during that time. The hard truth is that there are a lot of cases especially with queer women where there was not deliberate deception on the part of the queer partner. That doesn’t change the feelings of the straight spouse or partner but you really cannot blame the queer partner either for not figuring out who they were soon enough either. That makes it harder for everyone involved.
Thanks for your comment. I appreciate you speaking up, and fully appreciate the people who genuinely have a sexual awakening in mid life. When this happens and there is early and ongoing transparency with the partner, an amicable and mutually respectful outcome is quite possible. These are the best case scenarios, and not the focus of my writing here. The people I work with and the experience of millions of straight spouses is very different to what you describe, sadly.
I have a lot of respect for those who are open and honest, and wish this was the case in all closeted mixed-orientation relationships. ~ Karen
There are several newer books published of families who have stayed together. Amazon is a good place to start.
Yes, there are certainly some couples who manage to stay together. One of the best books I know of to support couples in this is Polysecure. However, in the vast majority of cases, if one partner is straight and the other isn’t, it’s a mismatch of sexual desire and not ideal for either partner unless they both truly want an open or platonic marriage. For those who make it work initially, the relationship may eventually break down some years later, which can be even more painful. In my experience, the cases that work best are those where the straight partner is a little less at the straight end of the spectrum, or genuinely enjoys the idea of an open relationship. If they’re just “going along with it” to keep the marriage, it’s not typically fulfilling or workable, sadly. The best case scenario is often to release each other with love.
Your article is exactly on point. I am actually the transitioning (transgender male to female) member in a marriage with a straight (female) spouse.
My recent coming out was a huge shock and very traumatic event for my wife (I was outed by a professional mental health facility). There are a tremendous amount of resources available for me… the transitioning partner, however, we are finding it almost impossible to find any resources for my wife.
We continue to scour the internet, as well as try to make connections through professional organizations. At this time we have really not been able to find anything other than articles such as yours which validate the hurt as pain she, and others in her position are going through. Additionally, we have not yet been able to find any type of online support group for her.
It seems as though straight spouses of transgender persons are an exceptionally marginalized group of people. This lack of resources (or silencing of their voices) absolutely needs to change so that ALL people affected by a transition have the opportunity to come through the fire in a manner which allows them to heal, and to live the most rewarding life they possibly can moving forward.
Conni,
For a minute there I thought you may be my husband. He came out to me a week before your post, and we are finding it difficult to find support for me. Especially articles or stories of couples that stay together.
He hasn’t changed his name or pronouns yet, and since we live in the South it probably won’t be save for either of us when he does.
We are planning a few out of town weekend trips where she can be her authentic self and we can experience our “new” relationship in public.
Please let me know if you find any additional support for your spouse.
I would have given anything to have a husband like the ones I see commenting here, who have and show, compassion for their straight spouse. Seeing that these compassionate spouses do exist gives me some peace. I received none of that from my now ex. He continues to be verbally abusive, which is why I have cut off all communication, other than email and through his attorney, as we finalize the unraveling of a 30 year marriage. I’m now 4.5 years out and just learned of your site. I’ve done a lot of healing and am looking to how I can share that healing moving forward.
Thanks for your comment, Sherri. I’m so sorry to hear how difficult it’s been for you! You’re definitely not alone in that experience, sadly. You may find my private Facebook group for straight wives/ex-wives to be helpful. Fill in the contact form or email me if you’d like to find out more. Karen.
Hi Conni, I’m so sorry I missed your comment. I hear you regarding the lack of support for partners of trans people, and kudos to you for caring about this! Please have your wife reach out privately to me, and I’ll help her with this. Karen.
It’s like you are writing what is in my mind… I am so appreciating reading your story and thoughts as I have never been able to find anyone else in this situation. My biggest question (as someone deep in this) is how I protect my kids and ensure they are ok … they didn’t sign up to this either 😭
You’re right, Nicole. Your kids didn’t sign up for this. They’re collateral damage, for sure. Our children live in an interesting time in history, whereby there is increasing support for LGBT people, which can leave them in quite a unique position as they try to make sense of the change in their parent’s relationship. I hope everything is going okay, as I realise it’s quite a while since you wrote your comment. My apologies for the delay in responding!
There is a lot to say about how to support the children through this (I definitely need to address this in another blog post!) but for now: centre them in the experience, acknowledge their individual feelings about the situation, make it easy for them to ask any questions, reassure them that none of this is their fault and that they are loved, always. All the best! Karen.
Nice work