Finding Joy After Finding Out Your Husband is Gay

When you first find out your husband is gay, it’s difficult to imagine ever being happy again. Your heart is broken, and the future looks bleak. When thinking about your future, you’re forced to choose from a repertoire of unappealing options. With good help and time, you begin to imagine a future that may be a little less bleak than you first assumed. Perhaps you even dare to think you might be able to find joy again..)

Let me introduce you to The Loveys. They were an Australian “grown-up girl band” of quirky, bejewelled, intelligent, whimsical, bold women who could laugh at themselves and the travesties of life while also tackling subjects like divorce, death and dementia with soulful sincerity. (Of note, one of the members found out in her 60’s that her husband was gay!) These are women who look age in the face and say: I dare you to take an ounce of life from me! I have a lot of living to do!

No topic was off the cards with The Loveys. Do you think “spinster” is an old-fashioned term describing the kind of woman you should feel sorry for? Think again! Do you think you’re destined to a life of loneliness? Think again! Do you think septuagenarian sex is something you’ve never heard of or don’t want to think about? Think again! (And if you’re not convinced, keep reading!) 

“Like a bejewelled version of the Kransky Sisters – kitsch, intellectual and funny as hell!” (Hobart City Festival of Voices)

I was privileged to see The Loveys perform live at Melbourne’s Butterfly Club in 2022. What a treat! If I had to pick a favourite song of the night, I’d have to say: don’t make me do that! I pick all of them! But, as a counsellor of straight spouses, I can’t go past the songs performed by the lovely Jennifer, who, at 68 years of age, found out her husband was gay and found herself alone, grief-stricken and lost, with no husband and no job. (You can read more about Jennifer in this interview.)

What do you do when this happens? It turns out that one option is to find a friend and form a band! From their humble beginnings in regional NSW, The Loveys have gathered a following and even been awarded the Edna Ryan Music Award for Making A Feminist Difference in the Arts.

Finding Joy

If you’re an older person who’s found yourself in a similar situation to Jennifer, you’ll find comfort in knowing that it’s never “too bloody late” to follow your dreams and live an interesting, fulfilling life. You may not start a band or win any awards, but you can reclaim your life, restore your dignity, and reinvent your future. And if you don’t have a you from the past you want to reclaim, you may find that a whole new you emerges from this disaster!

You may feel as though life has passed you by while you spent your “best years,” possibly decades, married to a closeted gay or trans person. The truth is, your life is yours to live, and if The Loveys are anything to go by, there’s plenty of time for sparkles, fun, creativity and love!

In “Looking for a Man,” Jenny sings about her realisation that there was no room in her marriage for her, and that if you’re going to look for a new man, it’s always a good idea to look for a man who’s not also looking for a man! (You’ll hear this at about 2:20 on the track.)

If you want to know how it worked out for Jenny, check out their video, “Sex at 72”! (I guess the title gives it away!)

I hope you find these songs inspirational and encouraging – I know I do! You can listen to more music by The Loveys on Apple Music and Spotify, and see more of their videos on YouTube.

Other Ways to Find Joy 

Whether you’re in (or seeking) a new relationship or you’re working on accepting and even celebrating a single life, it’s important to have more than one source of joy. As you’ve already discovered, relationships don’t always last, but you always have YOU. 

What brings you joy? What relationships can you nurture? How can you meet new people? What hobbies do you enjoy, or want to discover? What brings you meaning and a sense of purpose? What enriches your life? What have you always longed to do? What brings a smile to your face? 

You don’t have to ignore the pain to bring in more joy. Joy and pain can co-exist. One might be in more plentiful supply at different seasons of life, but as you journey towards recovery from your relationship pain, look out for the joy sparkles. They’re there! If you need a helping hand, The Loveys might be a good place to start. (They sure have plenty of sparkles!)

Help is Here

If you’re a woman who’s discovered your husband is attracted to men or identifies as gay or transgender, please reach out. I offer counselling and coaching to help women going through this.