10 Gratitude Tips for Straight Spouses

For straight spouses who’ve experienced betrayal by their intimate partner, the idea of gratitude may seem totally misplaced, irrelevant, or out of reach. What is there to be grateful for when your whole world has been turned upside down by the one you thought loved you more than any other? What is there to be thankful for when the life you loved has been obliterated? As a straight spouse, you may be wondering what there is to be grateful for after discovering the unwanted truth about your partner’s secret sexual orientation or gender identity.

The reality is that there is a wealth of research about the benefits of gratitude, and it applies as much to people who are suffering as to people who are living on easy street. Perhaps even more. Gratitude may be a nice “add-on” for a person who’s feeling good already. For someone like you, whose life feels insufferable at times, it’s more than an “add-on” – it can literally be a lifesaver. 

Benefits of Gratitude for Straight Spouses

The benefits of gratitude are most significant when practised by someone who is feeling bad. As a straight spouse who’s experienced betrayal and rejection by your closeted LGBT partner, you certainly fit the criteria for “feeling bad”. Straight spouses often get trapped in bitterness and resentment about what’s happened. While it’s totally normal to experience a wide range of “negative emotions,” feeling stuck in that vortex of negativity can lead to a life of ongoing misery, defined by the trauma that’s happened to you.

Gratitude is a beautiful antidote to the feelings you may be experiencing. It increases resilience and helps to shift your focus away from resentment, regret, and towards that which increases your feelings of joy. It can help you remember and hold onto the tiniest sliver of hope and goodness. It can help shift your mood by sparking dopamine production, which can then lead to an Oliveresque request: “Please, sir, can I have some more?”

10 Gratitude Tips for Straight Spouses

1. Keep a Gratitude Journal. Jot down every day at least one good thing you enjoy or one thing you’re thankful for. This helps you weave more gratefulness into the fabric of your days by inspiring you to look for the good, even when feeling bad. 
2. Remember the Bad. This sounds like an oxymoron, but it isn’t. Gratitude isn’t meant to be toxic positivity. It doesn’t exist in a vacuum where only “good feelings” are allowed. You’ve experienced significant suffering. You’ve had days and moments that are perhaps worse than what you’re experiencing now. It can, at times, be helpful to remember the harder times, which can help you connect with a sense of gratitude that things are somewhat better in this moment. Gratitude can look like acknowledging how far you’ve come.
3. Who are you thankful for? It’s helpful to take a moment to remember the kindness of loved ones or even strangers. What have you received from others? What have you been able to give to others? It’s often in giving to others that we experience the gift of connection and purpose, which is certainly something to be grateful for. (In fact, if you’re a fan of The Good Place, you may even be wondering if altruism is actually possible, given that good deeds typically lead to good feelings.)
4. Connect with your senses. Take a moment to experience your world through your senses – connecting with what you can see, smell, taste, touch and hear awakens your aliveness and vitality and helps you connect mindfully to your present moment.
5. Use visual reminders. Consider using tangible cues to remind you to practice gratitude, such as little stickers in your house, a gentle alarm on your phone, or a chosen place or ritual that will remind you to pause for gratitude.
6. Set an intention to practice gratitude. Gratitude doesn’t come naturally for most people when you’re finding life difficult. You’re unlikely to connect with gratitude if you don’t set the intention to do so. The way that you talk to yourself and the intentions you set for your day make a difference.
7. Be on the lookout. Gratitude isn’t about what you’ve done or how good you are but how you feel about what others have done. You’re probably painfully aware of the times when others overlook you or invalidate the pain of your experience as a straight spouse. It’s less natural to notice the little ways in which others look out for you or acknowledge your experience. Even if it’s not specific to your straight spouse experience, be on the lookout for random acts of kindness others do for you – or even for others. If you don’t have real-life examples, look for them in books and movies. Stories of kindness and altruism are all around us if we have the eyes to see them. 
8. Fake it til you make it. Don’t wait until you feel grateful to practice gratitude. Gratitude is a practice, not an automatic way of being. This might look like smiling when you catch yourself frowning, wishing others well or expressing thankfulness, or writing a letter of gratitude. You might like to write to that one person who made space for your reality when your partner came out of the closet or the person who has stood by your side when others have faded away
9. Practice self-gratitude. While gratitude is primarily about an attitude of thankfulness towards others, you can also express gratitude to other parts of yourself that have helped you get to where you are today. The younger version of you that had the courage to believe the best when there were flags that seemed somewhat reddish – While this belief was misplaced, it also demonstrates a value of loyalty. The part of you that has the resilience and tenacity to keep on going when you feel like giving up. The part of you that is brave enough to speak up and practice boundaries with your closeted, or formerly closeted, partner. If you’re ready for some advanced gratitude practice, you might even like to write a letter to your future self for having the courage and fortitude to create a new life.
10. Be a gratitude detector. Like those treasure hunters with their metal detectors, searching for buried treasure that others walk past, be on the lookout for new situations, circumstances and people for which you can feel grateful. You might be surprised by what you discover and how it transforms your mindset and quality of life.

Practicing Gratitude

Rick Hanson is an expert on all things neuroscience, happiness and wellbeing. I’m sure you’ll find this brief video inspiring.

If you’d like some help to get unstuck and find gratitude in the midst of your pain, please get in touch to book a complimentary 20-minute enquiry call. Straight spouse counselling is available online throughout Australia, New Zealand and the UK. Straight spouse coaching is available globally. And in-person sessions are available in Melbourne, Australia. You really don’t have to go through this alone.