Have you seen Nobody Wants This yet? For the uninitiated, it’s a Netflix romcom that explores the relationship between Noah, a Jewish Rabbi, and Joanne, an agnostic woman who hosts a podcast with her sister about sex and relationships. While the show centres on the sometimes humorous challenges of an interfaith relationship, it also happens to have a subplot about Joanne’s parents’ divorce after her father came out as gay. And I think we can all agree: nobody wants THAT!
It’s always interesting (and sometimes infuriating) to see how straight spouses are portrayed in movies and TV series. I like to write reviews to increase awareness, so creators and the general public can be better informed. Also, as a straight spouse, you may wonder if it will be triggering or cathartic to watch it, so I’ll give you an overview to help you decide. And I’ll try to avoid significant spoilers. First, here is the trailer for season 2.
An overview of Nobody Wants This
Joanne’s parents, Lynn and Henry, were married for 32 years before he revealed the truth about his sexuality. Lynn recalls that “we separated because he was a bit confused about his sexuality”, but he clarifies: “Not confused, Lynnie-bear. 100% gay.” They are now divorced and Henry is re-partnered in the second season, and you do see them together quite a lot. It is clear that there is a complex family dynamic, but in true romcom style, they don’t go into it too deeply. I did appreciate that they don’t pretend it’s perfect or easy.
What the show does well in depicting the straight-spouse story… and what could be improved!
Unfortunately, Lynn (Joanne’s mum) is frequently portrayed as being quite silly and naive. She often laughs or appears least light-hearted about her gay ex-husband’s antics. She seems to be trying too hard to seem “happy,” and unfortunately, it often falls into the overused “silly straight spouse” trope. However, if you watch the actress Stephanie Faracy, she actually does a stellar job of conveying the subtle nuances of a wife trying to cope with an awkward, unwanted reality. If you watch her face after she makes a light-hearted comment, you will often see the sarcasm depicted in slight eye rolls or grimaces, hinting at the pain and sadness underneath. (For what it’s worth, it’s also quite clear that the two grown daughters are quite uncomfortable with the PDAs between their dad and his boyfriend.)
In episode 6 of season one, we get a brief glimpse into Lynn’s reality. Noah follows her into the kitchen and they have a warm, honest conversation. Here is a snippet:
Noah: You okay?
Lynn: I know I’m supposed to be “over it”, but… I’m doing my best.
Noah: I’m sorry. It must be really tough.
Lynn: (Sniffs) I’ve just been trying to hold it together.
Lynne asks him not to tell Joanne, as it’s hard enough for them to see their dad being affectionate and emotionally available with his boyfriend. She doesn’t want to worry the girls. I’m so glad they included this scene, even though it’s brief!
The gay dad, Henry, is portrayed as self-absorbed, insensitive, and lacking in self-awareness. He interrupts people with comments about himself, and overshares about his dating life and relationships, which is highly awkward for everyone. Many readers will be pleased to see that they don’t make him look like a victim-hero! It should be noted, of course, that not all coming-out partners are like this, and the character is a bit of a stereotype for comedic effect. And yet there are so many straight spouses who will be nodding along and relating very much to the highly narcissistic traits displayed!
In episode 10 of season 2, Lynn (the mum) gives some relationship advice to someone, which is quite an empowering moment in her character arc. She acknowledges that she “should have left sooner” and that it’s important to be with someone who sees the best in us. (For what it’s worth, I typically encourage clients to change their language from “I should have…” to “I could have…” or “I wish I had…”
Further thoughts about Nobody Wants This from a straight spouse perspective.
Interfaith marriages can be complex, but at least there is awareness from the beginning, even though some of the challenges might be glossed over by “blind love”. When it’s a sexual orientation (or gender identity) mismatch, and particularly when that mismatch is hidden from the straight spouse, it’s more complex for a few reasons:
- Sexual orientation directly impacts a marriage or de facto relationship, as it is, by nature, a sexual relationship.
- It’s an intimate secret which is hidden from an intimate partner, which reduces intimacy and trust.
You might be wondering:
As a straight spouse, will I find Nobody Wants This too triggering?
- In the pilot episode, there is an anniversary scene in which the family gathers to commemorate the day the parents separated. Lynne speaks about being together “for 32 beautiful years”.
- In season 2, it may be difficult to watch the gay dad and his boyfriend be physically affectionate and speak endearingly about their relationship. Still, it’s not particularly intense given the rom-com vibe. It’s also mitigated by the fact that they’re portrayed as quite over-the-top.
Will I be frustrated at how the straight spouse is portrayed?
- Her “silliness” may be frustrating to watch, particularly at first, but if you look at the nuances behind her bravado, this will help.
If you’ve seen the series, why not leave a comment below with your thoughts?
I have seen season one and I agree, she might come across as shallow or silly but the actress does a great job of subtly showing how uncomfortable she is. I also seem to recall the daughters talking about their Dad being more emotionally available and vulnerable now that he is out and that makes them a bit uncomfortable since he was not able to be that for them growing up. I found that to be very validating. We are not there yet, but my hope is that my STBX is eventually heals in such a way that he is comfortable being fully himself.
In the first ep the girls say their mum is still in love with their dad- this is painful to hear given how awful he is- I hope it’s not true? Will keep watching even tho it’s triggering