Not My Closet Community
A place of connection, hope & transformation
You’ve finally discovered the truth: your partner is a closeted lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender person. Life as you knew it has changed forever and you wonder how you will ever trust anyone again.
The rug has been ripped out from underneath your feet, and it’s difficult to find your footing. Solid ground seems like a far distant memory. When will you be able to breathe again?
How could they do this to you? You wonder if it’s happened to other people too, or if you’re the only one going through this unimaginable pain. You search for answers, hoping to find people who get what you’re going through, even though you wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone.
Perhaps you find some others and they, too, seem to be experiencing similar pain. You breathe a sigh of relief, finally feeling less invisible, yet you find yourself longing for a sense of hope that a better future is possible.
Hi, I'm Karen - Counsellor, Coach, and the Founder of Not My Closet
I’ve walked a similar path to the one you’re travelling, having discovered the truth of my former husband’s homosexuality after 24 years of marriage and 5 babies (one of whom died). I know something of the pain and disbelief, the grief and loss and… the possibility of finding hope again.
As a therapeutic counsellor and trauma recovery coach, I work with people just like you in my private clinic. I am privileged to witness their journey from despair to hope as they recover their self-confidence and joy, return to their true Self. I have walked this road myself and now find meaning in helping others struggling with this same experience. I am honoured and humbled to bear witness to the suffering, agony, and resilience of the amazing men and women I am privileged to work with. What I know to be true is that:
- You don’t need to be lonely or isolated anymore – you can come alongside others who get it, and together you can heal.
- You don’t need to suffer in silence anymore – you can find your voice and be heard.
- You don’t need to stay stuck in confusion or despondency – you can find clarity and hope as you rebuild your life.
Not My Closet Community
Betrayal trauma isolates us. When the betrayal trauma occurs in the context of discovering that your partner is a closeted lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender person, there is an extra measure of disenfranchisement and social isolation.
When we’ve been hurt in relationship, we heal best in relationship.
For many years, I have had the vision to create a community in which straight partners and partners of trans people can connect, heal, learn, & grow. You don’t have to free-fall alone.
The community will be hosted off Facebook, so you can focus on your healing & recovery without Facebook triggers such as “On This Day” memories. You won’t be faced with posts of happy families or couples; you won’t have to scroll past distractions or disasters.
Hosting the Community on its own platform will mean you can show up with intention & find just what you’re looking for: connection, community & hope. Facebook can be tricky for straight partners and partners of trans people because the algorithms are sensitive to language about sexual orientation and gender identity. On our self-hosted community platform, we can self-monitor and have community guidelines that make sense.
You don’t have to stay stuck in the past
The place where you currently find yourself is not your destiny. You don’t need to stay here. And you certainly don’t need to go through this alone. Whether you’ve recently discovered the truth, or you’re much further down the track, the Not My Closet Community will provide you with the support, solidarity, and strength to create a new (and dare I say it, better) life.
For such a time as this, you will benefit from having a support team around you: good therapy, supportive friends and/or family (even just one or two confidantes), peer support, and a Learning and Coaching Community such as this.
The community will take you:
- From grief to growth
- From floundering to flourishing
- From trauma to transformation
As you find your feet and begin to Live again, the Community will help you thrive. As you learn again how it is to love and to trust others and yourself, you will notice things about yourself that may have been dormant for some time. You will rediscover your True Self and you will begin to live a life you couldn’t have imagined when you first discovered the truth.
Join our Community for
Growth and Learning
Live video
Learning resources
Videos, posts, and worksheets
Mindfulness and self-compassion practices
Journal prompts
Group learning and encouragement
Community Support
Sub-groups to help you find your people
Gay, Trans or Bisexual Partner
Divorced or Separated
Confused about relationship
Mixed-orientation relationships
Early days & Moving on
Str8d8 (dating again!) or Singleness
Co-parenting or Childless Not By Choice
Weekly Discussion and Learning Topics
Grief and loss
Relationships
Coping with emotions
Attachment
Self-compassion
Rebuilding the Self
Post-betrayal transformation
We’ll even have a Good Vibes zone because sometimes we all need to be surrounded by positivity and hope.
And we’ll have a place for Good News Stories! It helps to hear others talk about how things are going well for them. Hope begets hope.
Frequently Asked Questions
- Why a community rather than a course?
- Why pay, if I can find free support on Facebook?
- What about privacy and confidentiality?
- Can I get my money back?
- This is not a question 😉
The answer will be unique to you but helpful questions you may like to ask yourself are:
- Do I want access to a coaching and learning community hosted by a therapist who gets what I’m experiencing?
- Do I want access to a community with subgroups designed specifically for me?
- Do I want access to a community away from the challenges of Facebook?
There is a place for free peer support, and also a place for a guided learning and coaching community facilitated by a therapeutically trained coach with lived-experience.
One of the reasons for taking the community off Facebook is to have increased privacy and confidentiality. There will be no Facebook algorithm ‘bots’ crawling the group here looking for keywords or tone.
That doesn’t mean the community will be a ‘free-for-all’ by any means. It will be a moderated, facilitated space, but of the human kind, with the wellbeing of all community members prioritised.
Group guidelines will be clear and upheld, and all community members will be carefully screened via a secure online form and a brief video interview.
Awareness of the importance of privacy for group members who have experienced betrayal trauma is uppermost. This is a trauma-informed community.
Well, firstly, we hope you won’t want to! And we’re quite confident that you will love this community! However, we also respect that not all things suit all people, and that is okay.
The final Community Agreement and Terms of Service are still being finalised, but there will definitely be some kind of refund policy in place. This will be communicated clearly before any money is paid.
Please also note that no money will be paid until after the screening process is undertaken and there has been time for you to look at the agreement and give well-informed consent.
You have previously been in a relationship where you were unable to give true informed consent, due to information having been withheld from you by your closeted partner. Awareness of this guides our decisions around communication and policies. As mentioned, this is a trauma-informed community space.
How Do I Join?
Join the waitlist now to be part of this online community of women and men grappling with the discovery of a closeted LGBT partner. Whether you’re new to ‘the club’ or further along in your journey, you are welcome! The Not My Closet community is a space for you to heal, connect, grow and thrive. You don’t have to go through this alone. The road less travelled is better travelled together. Journeying together makes the journey less intolerable.
To join the waitlist, please email me. I’ll let you know about the next steps, which will include a friendly screening process to make sure the community is a good fit for you. This is about making sure the group is as safe as possible for all members, to ensure everyone who is added is, or was, the straight partner of a closeted gay, lesbian or bisexual person, or the partner of a transgender person.
